Easter 2021

It's Easter Sunday. Why are holidays so hard? I woke up early and then promptly went back to sleep until about 7:30. Got up, had my coffee, let my sweet friend know that I wouldn't be going to church with her today. I am isolating. I know that's not good, but I can't seem to help myself. I miss him so terribly today, I know it's because I'm alone. I know it's part of going forward, dealing with loneliness, and sometimes I am perfectly happy solo. But today, a holiday, brings it all too close, this loneliness. Thank God for Marley, my constant companion and the most loyal friend I could ever have. I sorta can't wait for this day to end. Please Time, go by really fast. But it probably won't. Sigh. 

I wish there was an easy solution to this lonely thing. I know this too shall pass, it has for the last 6 and a half months. But sometimes time just goes by way too slow. Ironically 'Time' by Hootie & The Blowfish is playing on My Pandora. Irony?

I should focus on the meaning of the day - the most important day of the year, Jesus rising from the dead and all our sins are forgiven. Wow! That's so amazing. Thank you Jesus!

I hope you all have a truly wonderful day, love on your family and friends that surround you. Be grateful. Be happy. Live this day to it's absolute fullest!

I wish I could get one last hug from my soul mate.

Living Afterwards

Life after Randy's passing has been such a whirlwind ride, ups and downs and everything in between. At first I thought there was absolutely no way I'd ever be happy again. That would be impossible without him here. He was my happiness and contributed greatly to that on a moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year, basis. How could I possibly ever laugh or smile if he wasn't here with me to enjoy it as well? But along the way of grieving and mourning I made the absolute profound discovery that if I could make just one person smile or outright laugh at least once a day, I could pass on what Randy did for me every single day since the day I met him in 1988. That's a lot of laughing and smiling! And how lucky was I to have that for over 30 years? A true blessing. I am beyond grateful to have had that for so long.

So now if I can just make one person happy for a few moments, I have fulfilled my goal for the day in Randy's honor. Often while laughing with someone I feel Randy's love and laughter in my heart and I know he is still with me and it simply feels right. I will strive to do this every single day until I die. The true lesson is that while trying to make someone else smile or laugh, I find myself doing the same thing. It's a win/win deal y'all. I strongly suggest trying this on for yourself. You won't be disappointed.

While endeavoring to spread joy and laughter each and every day I have met and become close to some outstanding people. I've become more social than when Randy was here. I get lonely, pretty simple actually, so when a friend asks me to lunch or dinner or a party, I generally go. Why not? Who knows who you'll meet or become friends with. I'm a firm believer that you can't have enough friends, good people who will laugh with you, cry with you, help you when you need it and vice versa. Not all are who they appear though, are they? You have to get to know a person slowly and thoroughly before you really know them. Some have parts of them that only come out in time. Some have sides that they guard so you don't see that part. I am one that will figure it all out though. I am patient. I tend to be an open book. What you see is what you get. I am easy to read. My eyes reveal it all. Some people are very good at hiding the parts they don't want you to see. But my eyes can see you. It will all be revealed in time.

I've learned way more about house maintenance than I ever thought I would. Since Randy was Handy Randy and fixed everything, I have discovered that I can be Handy Roxie if I need to. My Daddy was Mr. Fix It and I literally would follow him around and get his tools and hand them to him sometimes. I learned a lot just by watching. I did the same thing with Randy, his assistant at times. Now the sense of accomplishment I achieve when I actually fix something is quite satisfying. I like that feeling. Who needs a plumber, right? Just kidding, a couple of those calls after the Deep Freeze were absolutely necessary. I can't do everything, I'm smart enough to know when the job is over my head! 

Randy left me a Vendor List, it covers anyone who has ever made any kind of repair or work done on this house. How sweet was that? Also, he put manuals around or near an appliance or tool so it would be readily available if I needed it in the future. Who does that? The man thought of everything. I know he was worried about me before he passed about whether or not I'd be able to stay in our beautiful home. He should never have had a doubt. I'm here til the day I die. Just like he was. I will die in that same bed in this same house. Mark my words.

Life really does go on. Whether you want it to or not. Rest assured, there will be moments, many moments, when I just don't want to go on any longer. It's too hard, or it's too much, or I just don't care anymore, but I will persevere. I am a Survivor, with a capital S! I'll get through whatever it is that Life throws at me. Do I really have any other choice? Nope! Hopefully some fun adventures will be coming my way when it's time. I'm ready Destiny! Bring it on!

 I MISS HIM

I'm having a hard day.  Nothing in particular has happened. Nothing out of the ordinary. Just a regular Tuesday.  I woke up around 7:15 and since the maids were coming I hurried, got dressed, after having my coffee, of course. And prepared the last minute details for their arrival. I love my sweet housecleaners. They do a great job and I don't have to do it.  Super kind and sweet ladies.

 

And my sweet friend even came over and we talked and laughed like we always do. She suggested I continue writing here so here I am. After she left I was just walking around our beautiful home and admiring different aspects of it. I guarantee you this house wouldn't be so awesome if Randy hadn't played a huge part in making sure every detail was covered and it was well maintained and well put together. I think even Al wouldn't disagree with that assessment. Although they butted heads many times. LOL

 

After looking around for awhile I simply started to miss him. I miss his presence, I miss his absolute adoration he bestowed upon me on a daily basis and then some. I miss his laugh. I miss his beautiful brain that kept me informed or answered my stupid questions without hesitation, every single time. I miss his love of fishing (Randy's fish tacos were the best I've ever eaten!). I miss his wonderful connection to Marley and how Marley would follow him around outside. I miss how he did so many things without me even realizing it. I think it gave him pleasure that I never even had to think about whatever it was he was doing. He found pleasure just in the doing of it. I miss his planning skills. If we were going on vacation, by golly every single T was crossed and I dotted. Guaranteed! The route, if we were driving, was meticulously gone over, more than once. Hotels were booked along the way, making sure Marley was welcome. Even food prep was thought through. Yep, he could have been a Travel Agent, no doubt. That was so much a part of him, his ability to plan and organize. I miss that. I miss his ability to fix every single thing I ever gave him to fix. From steam iron, curling iron, hair dryer, blender, toaster, hand mixer, coffee maker, washer/dryer, it just didn't matter what it was, he fixed it, without fail. He was the hardest working little sucker I've ever known. And if he took on a job, it was done right! Yes, he was a bit OCD, which made him perfect for me! I cooked, he cleaned and, oh my goodness, it was CLEAN when he was finished. I miss him preparing the coffee maker the night before so all I had to do was flip a switch the next morning. I miss him holding me from behind as we slept. I miss his warm body that was so warm it was my source of heat some nights, he radiated it! LOL I miss all of these things. But mostly I just miss my sweetheart of 30 years. I truly realize how much I had now that he's gone. He knew I loved him, and I tried to show him in the myriad ways a couple together that long can do without even thinking about it. But I should have told him more. I should have hugged him more. I should have let him know how brilliant I thought he was. My love and adoration know no bounds. I hope he knew that. I hope he realized deep down how devoted I was to him.

 

I miss him.

Life Goes On

Good Morning Everyone,

Since my last blog I've improved somewhat. I still have days when I just wish he'd simply walk back in the door after being gone for a few days and I would be so happy to see him. We'd laugh and carry on like we did for years. But that ain't gonna happen.

I have lonely days. But I am so blessed to have the people who check on me frequently and invite me to dinner and lunch. I tend to isolate and I know that's not good so I've started to make myself get out more and I'm always happy when I do. Marley is a good companion, too. I dread the day this over 12 year old beast joins Randy. I'll be broken again for awhile. I've had thoughts about what I will do when that happens, like you do when you have all this time. I may not get another dog for a bit. Maybe travel some. Just imagine being able to lock the door and leave is intriguing. I can't even remember when that option was available. lol

I'm still very busy in the office, getting stuff in my name and taking care of business. It's a struggle, I gotta tell ya. But I'm learning. I've made mistakes, but those are the hardest lessons and I won't be making those again! Don't have to tell me twice!

What has helped me cope more than anything is when I decided that I would search every single day for something to make me laugh and smile. I do this in Randy's honor. He was happiest when I was happy and I feel if I do that he will know. I can feel him smile when I do it. He will be with me always and sometimes when I am laughing I can feel him laughing with me. 

Don't worry, I am apparently much stronger than I thought. I'm a tough ol' Texas gal and that will sustain me and get me through this difficult time! 

Love y'all!

It's Not Getting Better, It's Getting Worse

 You know, when Randy passed away on September 12, 2020, the worst year of my life by far, I was sad, but at the same time, relieved that he was no longer in pain. He suffered greatly at the end, and was in constant pain. The peaceful look on his face when I went to check on him told me everything I needed to know. He literally looked 20 years younger. The pain had aged him beyond anything I can describe.

I wish I could say it has gotten easier, but it has not. It's gotten harder and harder and continues every single day. I am continually searching for a way to be happy again. Nothing works. Randy used to make me smile and laugh every single day. I miss that beyond anything else in this world. He was my soul mate, God's gift to me from the moment we met. We met as co-workers and became friends. Over a year later we started dating in March and then got married in December that same year. 1990, 30 years ago this month. Sometimes I can simply feel blessed that I had that kind of love for that long. Thirty years is a long time and we had some wonderful times, travels, memories, laughter and true love. But now that he's gone I truly wish we'd had at least 10 more years. But cancer had other plans. 

I have wonderful friends and the sweetest family in the world, but I miss my Randy so much. I ache inside. I cry and then watch TV, then cry some more, run errands, do all the things he did for me, which was A LOT y'all! He took such good care of me and spoiled me pure rotten. I had no idea, he just did it, without complaining, and I actually think he enjoyed doing it because then I didn't have to. It made him happy to take care of me. All I can say is if you have a long relationship with your mate, spouse, partner, whatever, thank them, love them, hold them, kiss them, hug them, and cherish every single moment. You never know when it will be the last time you see them. Life can be cruel. It can change in a moment's notice.

I will never ever be the same. My soul mate is gone. I really don't think I will ever be "complete" again. Half of me is missing. I truly look forward to the time we will be reunited. I will welcome that transition with open arms. And no, I'm not thinking about making that happen to myself. That is in God's hands. But when the time comes, I will leap into his arms and never let go.

Randy's Coin

Randy has this silver dollar coin he carried with him all the time. He had taken it out of it's protective cover and touched it and messed with it all the time. So it has his essence all over it. I love it dearly. We would even have this game where if I found it in bed or something I would hide it or put it in my pocket for awhile, if I had a pocket that day. And later he would be kind of looking for it and I'd dig it out of my pocket and say, Oh yeah, here it is, I saved it for you. He would laugh and hold out his hand and I'd drop it in. Little memories like these sustain me.

Yesterday evening after I'd taken my shower and put my muumuu on, that's what Randy called my nightgown! LOL  I put his coin in the little pocket on the front of my gown and went to bed. Well, of course during the night and after I'd forgotten I'd put it there, the coin fell out into the bed and slept beside me all night long. I woke very early this morning and suddenly remembered I'd done that. I put my hand on my pocket, no coin. Uh-oh. But when I started to get up to turn the light on to find it, suddenly, without so much as turning on the light even, the coin dropped into my hand, like it was dropped from thin air into my outstretched hand. I immediately clutched it to me and said Thank you, Honey. I settled back down for a bit, just holding it and letting the calmness unfold. 

Now if that doesn't 100% prove he is here and watching over His Roxie, nothing does. I cherish that he is here with me always, along with my Daddy and many other Guardian Angels who have passed before me. I am so blessed y'all. 

Covid-19 Thoughts and Feelings

 I'm sure I'm not alone in my pure and simple 'sick and tired of this crap' feelings surrounding this virus. Wear a mask, don't wear a mask. Don't hug your kids or grandkids or ANYONE for that matter. Zoom this or that. Go down this aisle but don't go down this one. Curbside or delivery. Cash or credit card. Touch this but don't touch that. Wash your hands with sanitizer 1,000 times a day. Don't sneeze EVER, just don't. I've been more confused than my first day of Kindergarten and that was a long time ago. And don't even get me started about cancelling school til who knows when. And cancelling sports either. I don't watch much sports anyway so I honestly don't care either way. It's just weird to watch it on TV with no crowds, even golf, which should be fairly easy to distance and you're out in the fresh air. But nope, no crowds allowed. But then you see where these hordes of people are rioting and looting and there is absolutely no social distancing. Why is that okay? Can someone please logically explain that to me?

Remember when you could simply get in your car and go to a restaurant, order your meal, eat it, chat with the owner or your server with no regard for germs and all the scariness surrounding that nowadays? I miss those days. Or taking a walk in the park with Marley at any time. Now I should probably check to see if it's even open. And this is open air as well and easily able to distance yourself from anyone there. I just don't get it.

So when is this going to end? Is it an actual ploy to see who's going to follow the rules? I have been, but I'm just about ready to revolt and tell everyone to kiss my rear end. Seriously. 

Add in a loved one who can NOT get this virus or it could kill them. That adds a layer of OMG to it for sure! Needless to say, I am fed up, depressed and just about ready to move to an island with all my loved ones, patrol it with well armed loved ones, massive big guard dogs and make my own damn rules. Anyone wanna join me?