Marley - He Did It Again!

Been a good while since I've written anything. No particular reason, life is good ... mostly. I've been watching Marley like a hawk, as most of y'all know. He'll be 15 in October this year. What a strong beast he is and hard-headed. I know, I know, he's old and has earned every single loving he gets! What a beast! As proven yesterday. Here's how it went.

I have a gate across the back side of the breezeway for a reason. Marley! He's the reason. Every dog we had before him would walk or run down the pier and never ever think about jumping in. But Marley, well, his nickname is MarshMoo for a reason! He loves tromping around in that nasty, smelly, gross earth under the slimy areas that are out there in the slough and just generally everywhere out there.

The lawn guys left that gate open and I will be telling them about that! So Marley gets let out the front door as usual. Next thing I know Shawn has run in saying they forgot to close the gate! Well, guess who took that golden opportunity to walk down the pier and see what he could see and smell. We looked at the camera and he actually fell off the back bulkhead into the marsh. I can only thank God and Randy that he didn't immediately crack open his head or break something. But he didn't. He took this opportunity to do what he does every time he's jumped in there in the past. The smells must be out of this world! But he eventually tired out and fell down and there he stayed til Shawn picked him up and carried him to the pier. A pretty good ways, I might add. He couldn't move much, so worn out from his physical activity. We sat with him for a minute so he could get his strength back and finally he was able to walk back to the house. Y'all, I couldn't believe he was able to walk at all!

Ultimately what this did is let me know he ain't ready to give up! I honestly thought he'd get hyperthermia or step on something sharp or anything like that. But NO, this beast is amazing! Of course, we had to give him a nice warm shower inside, dry him off, and sit with him just because I was so grateful for the outcome.

So, in conclusion, Marley is invincible!

Sad Day

Ever had one of those days where you just feel like going back to bed and calling it a day and it's still morning? I mean, seriously, everything I look at reminds me of Randy and I finally just sit down and bawl. I know, tears have toxins in them that need to be released and it does help, until the next time. I just miss him so much some days. This morning I made the mistake of going back and looking at messages from him and my sweet daughter and it just broke me. Why did I do that? Ugh!

I should simply be grateful I had 30 years with my soul mate, right? The agony and overwhelming loss of him is too much to bear some days. I guess this is one of them. Distractions help and I'll probably get in the car and get out of here a little bit. Or just simply give up and go back to bed. Who knows?

On second thought I may get in the pool. It's Spring and the sun is shining for now anyway. We've had several days of some pretty intense wind and a bit of isolated showers. Need more rain and if my name were Stormy there'd be plenty of rain down here. 

Another sad thing happening is Marley is aging pretty rapidly it seems. He's 13 1/2 years old now and it's definitely beginning to show. He has some pretty impressive lumps and I won't even tell the vet, she knows. It's just a matter of time. He still surprises me and runs to the gate. I think he pays for that later though. I've put him on CBD Oil and it has made a huge difference. Allowed us more time with him. But it's inevitable. My Daddy, a Native American Indian, was so matter-of-fact when he was aging. "We all die." His words. And he's right, we do. It's the people that are left behind that suffer. I miss that sweet man every day, the best Daddy EVER! He was 82 when he passed. Momma was 86. People predict I'll be the last person on Earth. LOL Anyway, many prayers for my sweet Marley will be appreciated.

You know, as I write this I realize how lucky I am. My daughter just called, seems to know when I need her, and vice versa. I am beyond grateful for the people in my life, my family, my friends, Shawn, and being able to express myself in this forum helps me. Thank you all for that. Until next time, keep your heads up, cry when you need to, call a friend (me) should you feel like it, and just try and be a happy soul. That’s what I’m doing!

We Shall See

Wow! Been quite awhile since I blogged. Needless to say, I've been rather busy. Life seems to just keep moving on, no matter how much you'd like it to stay the same, or even change drastically. It seems to know what I need though, so here I am. 

Shawn is staying until he decides to leave or I ask him to. It's as simple as that. He's a good man and truly cares about Marley and me. So sweet. He keeps everything running in peak condition. And more importantly than all that, I've fallen in love with him. He's extremely hard to resist. I love him. Simple enough, right? Nope, never are things simple enough. But basically, when you get right down to it, it IS pretty simple. I am a widow and am available to have a relationship. He is a very old friend, I've known him at least 30 years because he and Randy worked together and were friends. That is how I reconnected with him after all these years. Apparently he and Randy kept in touch from time to time through texts. Last April 23rd (ironically my birthday) Shawn had sent Randy a text. I didn't see it until April 26th. I promptly prepared myself for that conversation where someone is unaware he had passed away September 12, 2020, a date I will never ever forget. I texted that it was me, Roxann ..., and could I call him from my phone and gave him that #. As usual, the conversation was sad yet sweet at the same time. It's hard to respond to someone who has lost the love of their life. I know, Shawn lost his Ava 11 years ago, maybe 12 now. So he absolutely "gets" my sad days. Days I miss my beloved Randy. That is comforting to me to know that. It allows me to just feel my feelings, no matter what they are. Total acceptance on his part. That truly feels good and right. He even holds me as I cry on particular bad days. That, my friends, is true acceptance and so so comforting. 

So, yeah, that's a lot of change and we're still new at this. As time travels on, like it does, we become more comfortable with each other. I very simply like him as the good person he is, even if we're not together. Now I miss him terribly when he's not here. But that happens from time to time and I'd say that absence truly does make the heart grow fonder.

So still happy with things as they are so not changing a ding dang thing until I have to or life takes care of it in ways I can't even imagine right now. It tends to or seems to tend to go in that direction. Completely unexpected. But good. You know? Ah well, as we all know - We Shall See!

LONELY

It's October, how in the heck does time seem to fly by at times and sometimes crawl by at a snail's pace? Does anyone else think that time speeds up and slows down? Sometimes a minute is so much longer, other times it's seconds, and not 60 of them!

Shawn is leaving next Tuesday. I will miss him. He has become a wonderful and true friend and so much more. He has helped me through some difficult times, and I'm not sure how I will deal with his loss. More loss it seems like. I'm sick of losing things, ya know? I get so lonely at times and I'm so not looking forward to that again. I will survive, I always do. And there's always texts and phone calls and FaceTime, all of these things help when he's just not here. At least he's still living. I know that sounds awful, but yet, here we are. With Randy and Harris' loss I'm gonna need my friends and family to help me with the lonely.

I HAVE to learn to be alone. That is the lesson here, I think, being alone is a struggle for me. Probably because I had 30 years of being with my sweet Randy and then a year of having Harris here for me whenever I needed him. He was truly my son from another mother. I miss that. And I know I will miss Shawn, too.

Why does life throw these things at us? Lessons. I'm tired of lessons. I just want to be happy in whatever capacity I can achieve on a daily basis. Seems impossible. But life goes on. And I will deal with it. I'm just not looking forward to it. Will I ever be whole again? Wish I could see the future. What will happen? Will it be good or will it be more loss? (Sigh)

This is a bummer post. Sorry! But it's where I am right now. At least I still have my sweet Marley, he's doing well on CBD oil, by the way. Amazing the difference it has made in this almost 13 year old pup. He's my constant companion so at least I won't be completely alone.

Take care y'all. Love your peeps while they're still here. Hug them more. Tell them you love them more. Relish all the moments you have with your loved ones. It matters!

Time

I have no earthly idea why, but today has turned out to be a really sad day for me. Started out normal, nothing bad has happened. I had to work in the office for a bit and while I'm in there I always check his phone. Today I noticed a picture at the top and then looked at all the pics it showed. Old photos of me, a photo of us clearly showing the all-encompassing love we shared, him on his bike in his gear, all buff and healthy and all. God, I missed him with my whole being in that moment and it hasn't gotten easier as the day wears on. Finally I simply gave up and took my shower and am now in bed. Cancelling any plans I had. Probably going to immerse myself in some TV show I've DVR'd. Shawn is here being a sweetheart but basically all I want is to be left alone to wallow in my misery. September 12th is all too close I guess. One year ago today, my sweet man was very near his end to this earthly plane. I would have died for him if I could. Truly I would have. With no regrets whatsoever.

My heart physically aches, my tears keep falling, and I'm a miserable mess today. I know it will pass. It has to. But it just seems so overwhelming. How can I go on? How can I ever be happy again? It just doesn't seem possible. I used all my happiness up with him. Thirty years of a whole lot of love, laughter, traveling, so many blessed moments with him. We were absolutely meant to be together. Our love is never ending; an eternity of love is what we share. I know this. But I miss his physical presence so much it's excruciating at times. You know, those little touches, the little inside jokes we shared, the notes we'd leave each other in odd little places, the food we shared, the complete understanding of what each of us like or even disliked. The only way to know someone that thoroughly is 30 years of bliss. That's what we had. Bliss. I miss that. I honestly don't think I'll ever have that again. He was it for me. So, I'm sad today with one whole year of missing him.

Please forgive my sad blog post. I'm hoping after some more Time has passed I will feel less like a blubbering baby. But I allow myself this because I honestly can't do anything about it. Time. Time is all I have. I wish I'd had moreTime with him. I know that is selfish but what we had just doesn't happen every day. And I'm left here on this earthly plane knowing that. Missing that Time. That perfect Time we had together. I should be grateful for those thirty long years and I am. Truly I am! I just wanted more Time.

New Month/New Sadness

Here I am again on the 4th of September. On the 1st I was like, WHUT? It's September already? How can that be? Where has the time gone? BUT, and there's always a butt, so much has happened this past year! OMG isn't quite descriptive enough for the changes in me. I mean, seriously, does anyone at all think I'm the same person I was a year ago? Heck no! But this past year has held many, many happy moments almost always more frequent than the bad moments. Sad moments, I should say.

The reason I haven't posted here in awhile is very simple. I am once again mourning a person I love, like my own son. Harris Baker was truly the highlight for me this past year. He was here for me in ways that can only be described as a son doing for his momma because she can't, or she's lonely, or I just want to help alleviate her pain in any way I can. He was that guy. He was here for me on the day Randy passed away, got here in about 5-7 minutes as I recall. And held me and cried with me and talked to me and said all the right things, just like a son would do. That relationship was one of the sweetest I've ever had in my life. Harris touched my heart and I loved him so much. Frank once called and told me that what Harris and I have is truly beautiful and so sweet to watch. That touched me for his father to thank me for loving his son but also because, seriously, if you knew Harris, you loved him. Very simple, really. He was that guy and his Celebration of Life last Saturday was truly an example of the effect he had on everyone who ever met him. So sweet, kind, funny!, and loving. I miss him. I will never ever forget him. He was my other son, and he knew it.

Harris' passing just brought up so much anguish all over again of losing my sweet Randy. Chandler, Harris' fiancé and I totally know that Randy was there to greet Harris in Heaven and fiercely hug him and take care of him. Familiarize him with the surroundings and all. Randy was such an excellent teacher, patient and kind, he'll teach him all the good stuff. He taught me sooo much in our over 30 years together. Thank you for that, sweet man!

As for my current situation, Shawn is here until he isn't. I'll let ya know if and when that happens. In the meantime, I'm getting through One Day At A Time. It's all we got! Oh, and one last thought, Love each other like there's no tomorrow! Love yourself like there's no tomorrow, too! Never ever neglect yourself. If you want someone to love you, you have to love yourself enough to know that you're worth all the effort, even if you are occasionally a pain in the ass, right Shawn?! 😆

Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes

Changes! The one thing that never changes is CHANGE! My emotions go up and down, my reality seems to do the same. The David Bowie song, Changes, comes to mind immediately. Seems it should be my new theme song. I truly try and keep myself in the present moment, One Day At A Time, but we all know that can only be achieved with a great deal of determination and concerted effort. The past creeps in unannounced, the future wants to be seen to determine if you're doing the right thing for what the future will hold. God only knows.

The biggest change is that Shawn is staying with me at the present time. He is fixing everything that has been neglected around here and being so sweet and caring. That's really who he is. Some people disagree that he should be in my life based on timing and outside information that shows some bad decisions were made along his life experiences. We've all done many things we regret. Shawn has made mistakes, who hasn't? Do we let that diminish what we have achieved since those mistakes? I say hell no! Shawn is a good man, I know this with all my heart. My instincts over my lifetime have helped me more times than you can even imagine. I've learned to listen to them. Right now, Shawn is here, he is a good companion, kind, loving and strong. I love him, he loves me. It is working for the moment and that's all that really matters. What other people think or imagine is all about them. Not me. Not Shawn. So here he will stay until I decide it isn't working. We shall see. 

As for exercise and writing the counselor suggested I do more of; exercise I am truly struggling with. I know it 100% makes you feel better releasing those endorphins in your brain. But getting my butt to do it seems to be a challenge every day. I used to be into it. I mean, I was REALLY into exercise. Felt great. I will get there. Once I put my mind to a thing I usually achieve it, me being a Taurus and all. hehe. BUT, and there's always a but, I am writing more, as evidenced by this blog post. It truly helps me put things in perspective. So that's all good. 

I go back to grief counseling on the 26th, I do feel as if it's helping. Gives me hope that I will get through this grieving and mourning of my sweet Randy. I will never ever stop missing him. I know this. He was my one true soul partner and what we had is irreplaceable. I just wish instead of 30 years it had been 60. But my life must go on, even when some days I wish it wouldn't. Some days are definitely harder than others. I wonder what or who decides whether Roxie will be sad for the day or will she have a happy go lucky day? God only knows. And so I will leave it in His capable hands. God has guarded and protected me my entire life. Why would I stop now?