Sad Day

Ever had one of those days where you just feel like going back to bed and calling it a day and it's still morning? I mean, seriously, everything I look at reminds me of Randy and I finally just sit down and bawl. I know, tears have toxins in them that need to be released and it does help, until the next time. I just miss him so much some days. This morning I made the mistake of going back and looking at messages from him and my sweet daughter and it just broke me. Why did I do that? Ugh!

I should simply be grateful I had 30 years with my soul mate, right? The agony and overwhelming loss of him is too much to bear some days. I guess this is one of them. Distractions help and I'll probably get in the car and get out of here a little bit. Or just simply give up and go back to bed. Who knows?

On second thought I may get in the pool. It's Spring and the sun is shining for now anyway. We've had several days of some pretty intense wind and a bit of isolated showers. Need more rain and if my name were Stormy there'd be plenty of rain down here. 

Another sad thing happening is Marley is aging pretty rapidly it seems. He's 13 1/2 years old now and it's definitely beginning to show. He has some pretty impressive lumps and I won't even tell the vet, she knows. It's just a matter of time. He still surprises me and runs to the gate. I think he pays for that later though. I've put him on CBD Oil and it has made a huge difference. Allowed us more time with him. But it's inevitable. My Daddy, a Native American Indian, was so matter-of-fact when he was aging. "We all die." His words. And he's right, we do. It's the people that are left behind that suffer. I miss that sweet man every day, the best Daddy EVER! He was 82 when he passed. Momma was 86. People predict I'll be the last person on Earth. LOL Anyway, many prayers for my sweet Marley will be appreciated.

You know, as I write this I realize how lucky I am. My daughter just called, seems to know when I need her, and vice versa. I am beyond grateful for the people in my life, my family, my friends, Shawn, and being able to express myself in this forum helps me. Thank you all for that. Until next time, keep your heads up, cry when you need to, call a friend (me) should you feel like it, and just try and be a happy soul. That’s what I’m doing!

LONELY

It's October, how in the heck does time seem to fly by at times and sometimes crawl by at a snail's pace? Does anyone else think that time speeds up and slows down? Sometimes a minute is so much longer, other times it's seconds, and not 60 of them!

Shawn is leaving next Tuesday. I will miss him. He has become a wonderful and true friend and so much more. He has helped me through some difficult times, and I'm not sure how I will deal with his loss. More loss it seems like. I'm sick of losing things, ya know? I get so lonely at times and I'm so not looking forward to that again. I will survive, I always do. And there's always texts and phone calls and FaceTime, all of these things help when he's just not here. At least he's still living. I know that sounds awful, but yet, here we are. With Randy and Harris' loss I'm gonna need my friends and family to help me with the lonely.

I HAVE to learn to be alone. That is the lesson here, I think, being alone is a struggle for me. Probably because I had 30 years of being with my sweet Randy and then a year of having Harris here for me whenever I needed him. He was truly my son from another mother. I miss that. And I know I will miss Shawn, too.

Why does life throw these things at us? Lessons. I'm tired of lessons. I just want to be happy in whatever capacity I can achieve on a daily basis. Seems impossible. But life goes on. And I will deal with it. I'm just not looking forward to it. Will I ever be whole again? Wish I could see the future. What will happen? Will it be good or will it be more loss? (Sigh)

This is a bummer post. Sorry! But it's where I am right now. At least I still have my sweet Marley, he's doing well on CBD oil, by the way. Amazing the difference it has made in this almost 13 year old pup. He's my constant companion so at least I won't be completely alone.

Take care y'all. Love your peeps while they're still here. Hug them more. Tell them you love them more. Relish all the moments you have with your loved ones. It matters!

Time

I have no earthly idea why, but today has turned out to be a really sad day for me. Started out normal, nothing bad has happened. I had to work in the office for a bit and while I'm in there I always check his phone. Today I noticed a picture at the top and then looked at all the pics it showed. Old photos of me, a photo of us clearly showing the all-encompassing love we shared, him on his bike in his gear, all buff and healthy and all. God, I missed him with my whole being in that moment and it hasn't gotten easier as the day wears on. Finally I simply gave up and took my shower and am now in bed. Cancelling any plans I had. Probably going to immerse myself in some TV show I've DVR'd. Shawn is here being a sweetheart but basically all I want is to be left alone to wallow in my misery. September 12th is all too close I guess. One year ago today, my sweet man was very near his end to this earthly plane. I would have died for him if I could. Truly I would have. With no regrets whatsoever.

My heart physically aches, my tears keep falling, and I'm a miserable mess today. I know it will pass. It has to. But it just seems so overwhelming. How can I go on? How can I ever be happy again? It just doesn't seem possible. I used all my happiness up with him. Thirty years of a whole lot of love, laughter, traveling, so many blessed moments with him. We were absolutely meant to be together. Our love is never ending; an eternity of love is what we share. I know this. But I miss his physical presence so much it's excruciating at times. You know, those little touches, the little inside jokes we shared, the notes we'd leave each other in odd little places, the food we shared, the complete understanding of what each of us like or even disliked. The only way to know someone that thoroughly is 30 years of bliss. That's what we had. Bliss. I miss that. I honestly don't think I'll ever have that again. He was it for me. So, I'm sad today with one whole year of missing him.

Please forgive my sad blog post. I'm hoping after some more Time has passed I will feel less like a blubbering baby. But I allow myself this because I honestly can't do anything about it. Time. Time is all I have. I wish I'd had moreTime with him. I know that is selfish but what we had just doesn't happen every day. And I'm left here on this earthly plane knowing that. Missing that Time. That perfect Time we had together. I should be grateful for those thirty long years and I am. Truly I am! I just wanted more Time.