One Day At A Time

Ten days have passed since my last entry. I had Teo from Monday to Friday last week and that kept me busy for sure! We had a wonderful time, y'all know from the pics and entries on Facebook. We celebrated his 10th Birthday with a swim party with Tricia's sweet grands, made personal pizzas, had cupcakes after singing Happy Birthday, and then opened presents. He was very happy the whole time and that is all a Mimi can hope for. He's an amazing, smart, funny, and handsome young man and I can not believe he's now in the double digits! I can remember the day he was born like it was yesterday, but SO much has changed in ten years! Some good, a lot not so good.

My missing my sweet Randy is at an all-time high these days. When he first passed away I was so relieved because of the agony and pain he was experiencing. But now I just sit down and bawl like a baby because the realization has occurred that he's not coming back. Not today, not ever. I feel him here but he's not physically here. My heart aches with longing for him to simply walk in from the garage after being gone on a vacation for a long time. Wouldn't that be the best thing that ever happened to me? But I am absolutely a realist, and that part of me knows that isn't going to happen. So I cry ... A LOT! these days.

I listen to a lot of music, too. I will hear a song that he liked or something he said always reminded him of me like Brown Eyed Girl and I just cry because I know he didn't dedicate that song to me. It's just a coincidence it's playing on Pandora or even my phone. Maybe he's behind the scenes playing me music. I like to think so.

And the Covid pandemic has me scared, truly frightened to get it, it's evil wicked and more people are getting it. I don't even know what to believe on that subject anymore. People I know and dearly love have it. I just want no part of that whatsoever. So I'm isolating, spraying things with alcohol and disinfectant. Just like at the beginning of this wretched, horrible disease. I hate living in fear. I sometimes think, well, it's in God's hands. If I get it and pass on, then I will be with Randy. Yay me. But I also have loved ones that would truly be broken if that happened. So I'm being overly cautious and isolating. 

I'm alone most of the time, just me and Marley. We are inseparable. One Day At A Time, is all we really have so I'm just focusing on that. I can get through just one day, right? And I'm back to Grief Counseling tomorrow, second visit. I'm supposed to bring something that makes me feel close to Randy and reminds me of him. Think I can pack up this entire house and put it in my pocket to show the counselor what we did together? I have gathered a couple things, personal items that have stories. So many things have that quality after 30 years with my guy. He was beyond generous to me, always! And we had so much fun. But it really is the little things that retain their value, not monetary value, sentimental value, which is way more precious to me than any Tiffany & Co. item he ever bought me.

I remember being blissfully happy with Shawn not that long after Randy passed, I think I was eager to "feel" something that didn't include sadness and it felt like Shawn and I were mourning together while enjoying each other's company at the same time. He loved Randy like a brother and I believe that was beneficial to me at the time. We have remained friends and I wouldn't have it any other way. He's a great guy and I love him. Who knows what the future will bring. I'm just trying to get through this one day. Shawn's patience is remarkable and he simply wants me to be happy, whatever that means. What more can I ask for in a friend? As far as I'm concerned, absolutely nothing.

Not a happy blog post, I know. But this is where I am right now, right this very minute. I will continue to be as happy as I can, One Day At A Time. Thank you for reading and any comments would be greatly appreciated as well. Suggestions on what I might be doing differently, anything at all, would be welcomed.