Life Goes On

Good Morning Everyone,

Since my last blog I've improved somewhat. I still have days when I just wish he'd simply walk back in the door after being gone for a few days and I would be so happy to see him. We'd laugh and carry on like we did for years. But that ain't gonna happen.

I have lonely days. But I am so blessed to have the people who check on me frequently and invite me to dinner and lunch. I tend to isolate and I know that's not good so I've started to make myself get out more and I'm always happy when I do. Marley is a good companion, too. I dread the day this over 12 year old beast joins Randy. I'll be broken again for awhile. I've had thoughts about what I will do when that happens, like you do when you have all this time. I may not get another dog for a bit. Maybe travel some. Just imagine being able to lock the door and leave is intriguing. I can't even remember when that option was available. lol

I'm still very busy in the office, getting stuff in my name and taking care of business. It's a struggle, I gotta tell ya. But I'm learning. I've made mistakes, but those are the hardest lessons and I won't be making those again! Don't have to tell me twice!

What has helped me cope more than anything is when I decided that I would search every single day for something to make me laugh and smile. I do this in Randy's honor. He was happiest when I was happy and I feel if I do that he will know. I can feel him smile when I do it. He will be with me always and sometimes when I am laughing I can feel him laughing with me. 

Don't worry, I am apparently much stronger than I thought. I'm a tough ol' Texas gal and that will sustain me and get me through this difficult time! 

Love y'all!

It's Not Getting Better, It's Getting Worse

 You know, when Randy passed away on September 12, 2020, the worst year of my life by far, I was sad, but at the same time, relieved that he was no longer in pain. He suffered greatly at the end, and was in constant pain. The peaceful look on his face when I went to check on him told me everything I needed to know. He literally looked 20 years younger. The pain had aged him beyond anything I can describe.

I wish I could say it has gotten easier, but it has not. It's gotten harder and harder and continues every single day. I am continually searching for a way to be happy again. Nothing works. Randy used to make me smile and laugh every single day. I miss that beyond anything else in this world. He was my soul mate, God's gift to me from the moment we met. We met as co-workers and became friends. Over a year later we started dating in March and then got married in December that same year. 1990, 30 years ago this month. Sometimes I can simply feel blessed that I had that kind of love for that long. Thirty years is a long time and we had some wonderful times, travels, memories, laughter and true love. But now that he's gone I truly wish we'd had at least 10 more years. But cancer had other plans. 

I have wonderful friends and the sweetest family in the world, but I miss my Randy so much. I ache inside. I cry and then watch TV, then cry some more, run errands, do all the things he did for me, which was A LOT y'all! He took such good care of me and spoiled me pure rotten. I had no idea, he just did it, without complaining, and I actually think he enjoyed doing it because then I didn't have to. It made him happy to take care of me. All I can say is if you have a long relationship with your mate, spouse, partner, whatever, thank them, love them, hold them, kiss them, hug them, and cherish every single moment. You never know when it will be the last time you see them. Life can be cruel. It can change in a moment's notice.

I will never ever be the same. My soul mate is gone. I really don't think I will ever be "complete" again. Half of me is missing. I truly look forward to the time we will be reunited. I will welcome that transition with open arms. And no, I'm not thinking about making that happen to myself. That is in God's hands. But when the time comes, I will leap into his arms and never let go.

Randy's Coin

Randy has this silver dollar coin he carried with him all the time. He had taken it out of it's protective cover and touched it and messed with it all the time. So it has his essence all over it. I love it dearly. We would even have this game where if I found it in bed or something I would hide it or put it in my pocket for awhile, if I had a pocket that day. And later he would be kind of looking for it and I'd dig it out of my pocket and say, Oh yeah, here it is, I saved it for you. He would laugh and hold out his hand and I'd drop it in. Little memories like these sustain me.

Yesterday evening after I'd taken my shower and put my muumuu on, that's what Randy called my nightgown! LOL  I put his coin in the little pocket on the front of my gown and went to bed. Well, of course during the night and after I'd forgotten I'd put it there, the coin fell out into the bed and slept beside me all night long. I woke very early this morning and suddenly remembered I'd done that. I put my hand on my pocket, no coin. Uh-oh. But when I started to get up to turn the light on to find it, suddenly, without so much as turning on the light even, the coin dropped into my hand, like it was dropped from thin air into my outstretched hand. I immediately clutched it to me and said Thank you, Honey. I settled back down for a bit, just holding it and letting the calmness unfold. 

Now if that doesn't 100% prove he is here and watching over His Roxie, nothing does. I cherish that he is here with me always, along with my Daddy and many other Guardian Angels who have passed before me. I am so blessed y'all. 

Covid-19 Thoughts and Feelings

 I'm sure I'm not alone in my pure and simple 'sick and tired of this crap' feelings surrounding this virus. Wear a mask, don't wear a mask. Don't hug your kids or grandkids or ANYONE for that matter. Zoom this or that. Go down this aisle but don't go down this one. Curbside or delivery. Cash or credit card. Touch this but don't touch that. Wash your hands with sanitizer 1,000 times a day. Don't sneeze EVER, just don't. I've been more confused than my first day of Kindergarten and that was a long time ago. And don't even get me started about cancelling school til who knows when. And cancelling sports either. I don't watch much sports anyway so I honestly don't care either way. It's just weird to watch it on TV with no crowds, even golf, which should be fairly easy to distance and you're out in the fresh air. But nope, no crowds allowed. But then you see where these hordes of people are rioting and looting and there is absolutely no social distancing. Why is that okay? Can someone please logically explain that to me?

Remember when you could simply get in your car and go to a restaurant, order your meal, eat it, chat with the owner or your server with no regard for germs and all the scariness surrounding that nowadays? I miss those days. Or taking a walk in the park with Marley at any time. Now I should probably check to see if it's even open. And this is open air as well and easily able to distance yourself from anyone there. I just don't get it.

So when is this going to end? Is it an actual ploy to see who's going to follow the rules? I have been, but I'm just about ready to revolt and tell everyone to kiss my rear end. Seriously. 

Add in a loved one who can NOT get this virus or it could kill them. That adds a layer of OMG to it for sure! Needless to say, I am fed up, depressed and just about ready to move to an island with all my loved ones, patrol it with well armed loved ones, massive big guard dogs and make my own damn rules. Anyone wanna join me?