It's Not Getting Better, It's Getting Worse

 You know, when Randy passed away on September 12, 2020, the worst year of my life by far, I was sad, but at the same time, relieved that he was no longer in pain. He suffered greatly at the end, and was in constant pain. The peaceful look on his face when I went to check on him told me everything I needed to know. He literally looked 20 years younger. The pain had aged him beyond anything I can describe.

I wish I could say it has gotten easier, but it has not. It's gotten harder and harder and continues every single day. I am continually searching for a way to be happy again. Nothing works. Randy used to make me smile and laugh every single day. I miss that beyond anything else in this world. He was my soul mate, God's gift to me from the moment we met. We met as co-workers and became friends. Over a year later we started dating in March and then got married in December that same year. 1990, 30 years ago this month. Sometimes I can simply feel blessed that I had that kind of love for that long. Thirty years is a long time and we had some wonderful times, travels, memories, laughter and true love. But now that he's gone I truly wish we'd had at least 10 more years. But cancer had other plans. 

I have wonderful friends and the sweetest family in the world, but I miss my Randy so much. I ache inside. I cry and then watch TV, then cry some more, run errands, do all the things he did for me, which was A LOT y'all! He took such good care of me and spoiled me pure rotten. I had no idea, he just did it, without complaining, and I actually think he enjoyed doing it because then I didn't have to. It made him happy to take care of me. All I can say is if you have a long relationship with your mate, spouse, partner, whatever, thank them, love them, hold them, kiss them, hug them, and cherish every single moment. You never know when it will be the last time you see them. Life can be cruel. It can change in a moment's notice.

I will never ever be the same. My soul mate is gone. I really don't think I will ever be "complete" again. Half of me is missing. I truly look forward to the time we will be reunited. I will welcome that transition with open arms. And no, I'm not thinking about making that happen to myself. That is in God's hands. But when the time comes, I will leap into his arms and never let go.