Time

I have no earthly idea why, but today has turned out to be a really sad day for me. Started out normal, nothing bad has happened. I had to work in the office for a bit and while I'm in there I always check his phone. Today I noticed a picture at the top and then looked at all the pics it showed. Old photos of me, a photo of us clearly showing the all-encompassing love we shared, him on his bike in his gear, all buff and healthy and all. God, I missed him with my whole being in that moment and it hasn't gotten easier as the day wears on. Finally I simply gave up and took my shower and am now in bed. Cancelling any plans I had. Probably going to immerse myself in some TV show I've DVR'd. Shawn is here being a sweetheart but basically all I want is to be left alone to wallow in my misery. September 12th is all too close I guess. One year ago today, my sweet man was very near his end to this earthly plane. I would have died for him if I could. Truly I would have. With no regrets whatsoever.

My heart physically aches, my tears keep falling, and I'm a miserable mess today. I know it will pass. It has to. But it just seems so overwhelming. How can I go on? How can I ever be happy again? It just doesn't seem possible. I used all my happiness up with him. Thirty years of a whole lot of love, laughter, traveling, so many blessed moments with him. We were absolutely meant to be together. Our love is never ending; an eternity of love is what we share. I know this. But I miss his physical presence so much it's excruciating at times. You know, those little touches, the little inside jokes we shared, the notes we'd leave each other in odd little places, the food we shared, the complete understanding of what each of us like or even disliked. The only way to know someone that thoroughly is 30 years of bliss. That's what we had. Bliss. I miss that. I honestly don't think I'll ever have that again. He was it for me. So, I'm sad today with one whole year of missing him.

Please forgive my sad blog post. I'm hoping after some more Time has passed I will feel less like a blubbering baby. But I allow myself this because I honestly can't do anything about it. Time. Time is all I have. I wish I'd had moreTime with him. I know that is selfish but what we had just doesn't happen every day. And I'm left here on this earthly plane knowing that. Missing that Time. That perfect Time we had together. I should be grateful for those thirty long years and I am. Truly I am! I just wanted more Time.

New Month/New Sadness

Here I am again on the 4th of September. On the 1st I was like, WHUT? It's September already? How can that be? Where has the time gone? BUT, and there's always a butt, so much has happened this past year! OMG isn't quite descriptive enough for the changes in me. I mean, seriously, does anyone at all think I'm the same person I was a year ago? Heck no! But this past year has held many, many happy moments almost always more frequent than the bad moments. Sad moments, I should say.

The reason I haven't posted here in awhile is very simple. I am once again mourning a person I love, like my own son. Harris Baker was truly the highlight for me this past year. He was here for me in ways that can only be described as a son doing for his momma because she can't, or she's lonely, or I just want to help alleviate her pain in any way I can. He was that guy. He was here for me on the day Randy passed away, got here in about 5-7 minutes as I recall. And held me and cried with me and talked to me and said all the right things, just like a son would do. That relationship was one of the sweetest I've ever had in my life. Harris touched my heart and I loved him so much. Frank once called and told me that what Harris and I have is truly beautiful and so sweet to watch. That touched me for his father to thank me for loving his son but also because, seriously, if you knew Harris, you loved him. Very simple, really. He was that guy and his Celebration of Life last Saturday was truly an example of the effect he had on everyone who ever met him. So sweet, kind, funny!, and loving. I miss him. I will never ever forget him. He was my other son, and he knew it.

Harris' passing just brought up so much anguish all over again of losing my sweet Randy. Chandler, Harris' fiancé and I totally know that Randy was there to greet Harris in Heaven and fiercely hug him and take care of him. Familiarize him with the surroundings and all. Randy was such an excellent teacher, patient and kind, he'll teach him all the good stuff. He taught me sooo much in our over 30 years together. Thank you for that, sweet man!

As for my current situation, Shawn is here until he isn't. I'll let ya know if and when that happens. In the meantime, I'm getting through One Day At A Time. It's all we got! Oh, and one last thought, Love each other like there's no tomorrow! Love yourself like there's no tomorrow, too! Never ever neglect yourself. If you want someone to love you, you have to love yourself enough to know that you're worth all the effort, even if you are occasionally a pain in the ass, right Shawn?! 😆