Time

I have no earthly idea why, but today has turned out to be a really sad day for me. Started out normal, nothing bad has happened. I had to work in the office for a bit and while I'm in there I always check his phone. Today I noticed a picture at the top and then looked at all the pics it showed. Old photos of me, a photo of us clearly showing the all-encompassing love we shared, him on his bike in his gear, all buff and healthy and all. God, I missed him with my whole being in that moment and it hasn't gotten easier as the day wears on. Finally I simply gave up and took my shower and am now in bed. Cancelling any plans I had. Probably going to immerse myself in some TV show I've DVR'd. Shawn is here being a sweetheart but basically all I want is to be left alone to wallow in my misery. September 12th is all too close I guess. One year ago today, my sweet man was very near his end to this earthly plane. I would have died for him if I could. Truly I would have. With no regrets whatsoever.

My heart physically aches, my tears keep falling, and I'm a miserable mess today. I know it will pass. It has to. But it just seems so overwhelming. How can I go on? How can I ever be happy again? It just doesn't seem possible. I used all my happiness up with him. Thirty years of a whole lot of love, laughter, traveling, so many blessed moments with him. We were absolutely meant to be together. Our love is never ending; an eternity of love is what we share. I know this. But I miss his physical presence so much it's excruciating at times. You know, those little touches, the little inside jokes we shared, the notes we'd leave each other in odd little places, the food we shared, the complete understanding of what each of us like or even disliked. The only way to know someone that thoroughly is 30 years of bliss. That's what we had. Bliss. I miss that. I honestly don't think I'll ever have that again. He was it for me. So, I'm sad today with one whole year of missing him.

Please forgive my sad blog post. I'm hoping after some more Time has passed I will feel less like a blubbering baby. But I allow myself this because I honestly can't do anything about it. Time. Time is all I have. I wish I'd had moreTime with him. I know that is selfish but what we had just doesn't happen every day. And I'm left here on this earthly plane knowing that. Missing that Time. That perfect Time we had together. I should be grateful for those thirty long years and I am. Truly I am! I just wanted more Time.