It's Not Getting Better, It's Getting Worse

 You know, when Randy passed away on September 12, 2020, the worst year of my life by far, I was sad, but at the same time, relieved that he was no longer in pain. He suffered greatly at the end, and was in constant pain. The peaceful look on his face when I went to check on him told me everything I needed to know. He literally looked 20 years younger. The pain had aged him beyond anything I can describe.

I wish I could say it has gotten easier, but it has not. It's gotten harder and harder and continues every single day. I am continually searching for a way to be happy again. Nothing works. Randy used to make me smile and laugh every single day. I miss that beyond anything else in this world. He was my soul mate, God's gift to me from the moment we met. We met as co-workers and became friends. Over a year later we started dating in March and then got married in December that same year. 1990, 30 years ago this month. Sometimes I can simply feel blessed that I had that kind of love for that long. Thirty years is a long time and we had some wonderful times, travels, memories, laughter and true love. But now that he's gone I truly wish we'd had at least 10 more years. But cancer had other plans. 

I have wonderful friends and the sweetest family in the world, but I miss my Randy so much. I ache inside. I cry and then watch TV, then cry some more, run errands, do all the things he did for me, which was A LOT y'all! He took such good care of me and spoiled me pure rotten. I had no idea, he just did it, without complaining, and I actually think he enjoyed doing it because then I didn't have to. It made him happy to take care of me. All I can say is if you have a long relationship with your mate, spouse, partner, whatever, thank them, love them, hold them, kiss them, hug them, and cherish every single moment. You never know when it will be the last time you see them. Life can be cruel. It can change in a moment's notice.

I will never ever be the same. My soul mate is gone. I really don't think I will ever be "complete" again. Half of me is missing. I truly look forward to the time we will be reunited. I will welcome that transition with open arms. And no, I'm not thinking about making that happen to myself. That is in God's hands. But when the time comes, I will leap into his arms and never let go.

Randy's Coin

Randy has this silver dollar coin he carried with him all the time. He had taken it out of it's protective cover and touched it and messed with it all the time. So it has his essence all over it. I love it dearly. We would even have this game where if I found it in bed or something I would hide it or put it in my pocket for awhile, if I had a pocket that day. And later he would be kind of looking for it and I'd dig it out of my pocket and say, Oh yeah, here it is, I saved it for you. He would laugh and hold out his hand and I'd drop it in. Little memories like these sustain me.

Yesterday evening after I'd taken my shower and put my muumuu on, that's what Randy called my nightgown! LOL  I put his coin in the little pocket on the front of my gown and went to bed. Well, of course during the night and after I'd forgotten I'd put it there, the coin fell out into the bed and slept beside me all night long. I woke very early this morning and suddenly remembered I'd done that. I put my hand on my pocket, no coin. Uh-oh. But when I started to get up to turn the light on to find it, suddenly, without so much as turning on the light even, the coin dropped into my hand, like it was dropped from thin air into my outstretched hand. I immediately clutched it to me and said Thank you, Honey. I settled back down for a bit, just holding it and letting the calmness unfold. 

Now if that doesn't 100% prove he is here and watching over His Roxie, nothing does. I cherish that he is here with me always, along with my Daddy and many other Guardian Angels who have passed before me. I am so blessed y'all. 

Covid-19 Thoughts and Feelings

 I'm sure I'm not alone in my pure and simple 'sick and tired of this crap' feelings surrounding this virus. Wear a mask, don't wear a mask. Don't hug your kids or grandkids or ANYONE for that matter. Zoom this or that. Go down this aisle but don't go down this one. Curbside or delivery. Cash or credit card. Touch this but don't touch that. Wash your hands with sanitizer 1,000 times a day. Don't sneeze EVER, just don't. I've been more confused than my first day of Kindergarten and that was a long time ago. And don't even get me started about cancelling school til who knows when. And cancelling sports either. I don't watch much sports anyway so I honestly don't care either way. It's just weird to watch it on TV with no crowds, even golf, which should be fairly easy to distance and you're out in the fresh air. But nope, no crowds allowed. But then you see where these hordes of people are rioting and looting and there is absolutely no social distancing. Why is that okay? Can someone please logically explain that to me?

Remember when you could simply get in your car and go to a restaurant, order your meal, eat it, chat with the owner or your server with no regard for germs and all the scariness surrounding that nowadays? I miss those days. Or taking a walk in the park with Marley at any time. Now I should probably check to see if it's even open. And this is open air as well and easily able to distance yourself from anyone there. I just don't get it.

So when is this going to end? Is it an actual ploy to see who's going to follow the rules? I have been, but I'm just about ready to revolt and tell everyone to kiss my rear end. Seriously. 

Add in a loved one who can NOT get this virus or it could kill them. That adds a layer of OMG to it for sure! Needless to say, I am fed up, depressed and just about ready to move to an island with all my loved ones, patrol it with well armed loved ones, massive big guard dogs and make my own damn rules. Anyone wanna join me?

Hurricane Harvey

I have to write this down.  We went through Hurricane Harvey, evacuated on the day it hit, but I truly have never in my life been through anything that has managed to devastate so many people.  Our house was so well built by Al Johnson in Rockport that we managed to get through with our house still standing.  It’s not to say that we don’t have damage, because we do, but it survived beyond all expectations of what a Category 4 direct hit can do.  Neighbors down the Ridge have suffered and lost absolutely everything except whatever they took with them as they left.  Their house and everything in or around it are gone.  Our house is still standing and I consider it a miracle beyond a miracle.  Wind driven water did come in under our doors and in some of our windows so all flooring that wasn’t tile will have to be replaced.  Even our drapes in our bedroom soaked up and stained up to a foot at the bottom.  Next time, if there is a next time, I’ll put those up on something off the floor so they won’t be a sponge soaking up that nastiness.  Two area rugs soaked up much of that water as well and will need to be replaced. Our generator failed and had to be repaired at an exorbitant cost but now we have the whole house generator working to cool us off and the refrigerator is running well, too.  Then the a/c wouldn’t work, got them out here too and they fixed it and it’s running like a champ after Randy sprayed it with Corrosion X – something he swears he’s now buying stock in.

The work outside is absolutely horrendous.  So many trees down, lost two huge palm trees, the Bougainvillea was bent over into the pool but Randy and Jasper managed to get them pulled back enough and braced to get them out of the pool.  All that money we spent on all that fabulous landscaping, most of that is gone and we’ll have to start over. The pool is the nastiest of nasty with so much debris in it I thought it’d never be cleared.  Still not sure about that.  Animals are drinking from that nasty pool water, I hope they survive.  The hot tub, well, it’s just as bad.  And during all this devastation our pool guy had a heart attack and died.  He’d lost everything he owned and Randy talked to him the day before he died on the correct procedure for the pool to be cleared.  I know Allen is in a better place than here.  May he Rest in Peace. 

Let’s talk about mosquitoes for a minute.  I kid you not, they are the biggest SoBs you have EVER seen.  And if one lands on you and you manage to slap it before it bites you, it splatters blood – someone else’s blood, mind you.  I shudder to even imagine the disease they are spreading even as I type this.  I hate them.  And I don’t hate easily.  I wish God had never created them.

Also outside, the cleanup of other people’s house debris is the hardest thing you can imagine.  There is wind blown insulation, you know the pink kind, absolutely everywhere.  All over our house, all over our driveway and under our overhangs.  It’s like glue y’all.  And you have to wear head to toe gear to work out there, sunglasses, hats, long sleeves, pants, not shorts, face masks, and gloves.  And you have to literally douse yourself with Deep Woods Off – it’s the only thing that keeps those gargantuan suckers off.  And it’s HOT, not a breeze to be found.  So with all that clothing you sweat like never before.  Hydration, and I mean a LOT of it, is mandatory or you will pass out.  And any drink that has electrolytes in it is mandatory as well.  But Randy and Jasper are doing so much work it’s truly remarkable.  I can’t believe how hard they are working, but what choice have they?  We are forever indebted to that sweet Jasper.  He is a good man.

And to top all of that off, I have survivor’s guilt.  Our house is still standing and so many others are not.  I look around and fluctuate between happy to still have a home and utter desolation at all the surrounding destruction, to guilty our house is still standing.  My emotions are all over the map.  I keep praying for those less fortunate with absolute gratefulness that our home survived.  It’s a weird time and one I hope to never, ever again have to experience.

God bless those that have survived.  I pray our sweet little town will someday recover from this.  I know it will, but it will take some time.

Lady in Red - written 11/22/09

Lady in Red by Roxie

The bright red halter dress fell slightly below the knees of the brunette woman as she walked brusquely through the grocery store entrance. Her red high-heeled shoes tapped out a tempo to the sway of her perfectly rounded hips. The slight shimmy of her full breasts exposed by the low-cut dress caught the eye of both male and female throughout her general vicinity. Her wavy shoulder length hair swayed in time as well. The exotic smell of her perfume wafted behind her and several nostrils quivered and heads turned to follow the scent, even if just for a moment. Her darkly lined chocolate brown eyes were large and her impossibly long natural lashes underscored their enormity. Ruby red lips and nails completed her fashion statement. She held a small leather red clutch tightly between her body and upper right arm, as if to ward off any attempt to snatch it from her person.

She entered the produce department and quickly navigated her way through that section, obviously uninterested in the healthy fruits and vegetables. When she paused at the wine section, two store employees, one from that section and one from the neighboring meat department and both male, quickly stopped what they were doing and inquired if there was anything they could do to help. The produce manager had followed her at a distance, just to watch the show she was clearly going to provide, in his opinion. He wasn't wrong.

She merely glanced at both of the men and shook her head with a distracted low pitched, "No, thank you."

The meat guy frowned and went back to his department; clearly disappointed he wasn't going to have more interaction with this vision.

The wine guy simply went back to stocking his section and as she turned away he couldn't help but take a strong inhale of her perfume. His eyes closed. She sauntered away.

She proceeded toward the rear of the store, obviously unfamiliar with its layout. She exuded a hands-off demeanor, a just leave me alone and let me find my way look about her. The store employees were content to simply watch. No one cared where she was going or what she was looking for, they just wanted to observe. And since she obviously didn't want to be disturbed, they left her to it. All eyes followed her until she was out of sight. The produce guy kept his distance but continued to track her. He thoroughly enjoyed the reaction both employees and customers had when they saw this red dressed woman.

She crossed the length of the store and finally found what she was looking for, the greeting cards. She smiled when she found the aisle. The smile transformed her utterly and completely. No one who saw it could do anything but grin madly back. She began browsing through the birthday section pausing occasionally to read one. Finally, she released one of the most pleasing giggles and at last a hearty laugh. The sound carried two to three aisles away. Anyone within hearing distance found his or her way to her aisle, just to see the person who could have produced such a profound reverberation of joy. She had apparently found the perfect card. Absolutely unaware of the crowd she had drawn, she held it in her slim fingers and pressed it to her bosom, smiled sweetly, eyes closed, as if remembering some long-ago moment of perfection.

After only a moment or two she placed the card back in its proper place and proceeded to wind her way back the way she had come. She stopped at one point and looked around, as if suddenly realizing where she was. Eyes wide she quickly headed for the exit door and stalked out. She hadn't bought a thing.

The produce guy exited after her just to see what kind of car she drove, but she was nowhere to be seen. She had vanished. He stood there for a couple of seconds and thought he may have smelt her scent but it was gone, like an early morning dream, just gone.

Trauma, Feelings, Fire and Lint Catchers

I just had the most interesting experience so I thought I would write it down since I really didn’t know these feelings were still buried deep within me. I believed I’d gotten over this trauma years ago, but apparently not.

I once wrote a story about why I have Post Traumatic Closet Disorder (PTCD) because an ex emptied my closet of every single stitch of my clothing, accessories, jewelry, purses, shoes, underwear, bras, every item of clothing I owned. I was left with literally only the clothes on my back. That’s when I came home to Texas into the welcoming arms and home of my sister in Austin. The ladies at her church got together and brought me clothes and, of course, my sister helped me financially until I could get a job and get back on my feet again. Fortunately that happened in less than two weeks of my arrival back to the great state of Texas and one of the many reasons I love my home state so much.

Today a friend posted on Facebook about a single mom losing all her possessions to a fire and she had three kids she was raising by herself. All of her possessions gone in a flash. I know how that feels, pretty darn awful. And this woman’s plight was even worse than mine. I felt compelled to pay forward the kindness done me years earlier. After bringing a few things to my friend’s house I almost broke down in tears at her house. My experience was so long ago; I couldn’t believe I was having tears well up again and again. I really don’t understand because my life now is beyond blessed.

As a side note, yesterday I was on a mission to clean out the lint thingy in the dryer. I even had Randy unscrew parts so I could get down in there and clean it out. And, you guessed it, that’s exactly what happened to that poor woman’s house. Being a mother of 3 teenagers you know her dryer is going constantly. She left for work with it on and apparently it sat there and smoldered until finally it took hold and burnt down her entire trailer and everything in it. We’ve all left the house with the dryer running. I'm no longer doing that. Also, it’s a lesson to be learned to keep that lint catcher cleaned out and even to stick the vacuum hose down in there once a month. I know I am. It could happen to anyone.

Feelings, even old yucky ones, can raise their ugly heads years down the road. I don’t know how to deal with my old paranoia of losing all my clothing, etc. I know it won’t be from an ex being a mean bastard, Randy is beyond generous and would never in a million years do anything like that. The only comfort I can gain from the horrible experience is that the ex is the one whose nose I broke with a bat, so there IS that.

How to Have a Perfectly Wretched Sunday

We moved into our house nine years ago on January 23rd. Do you know what happens to a house on the coast in nine years time? Well, do you? It deteriorates, that's what it does, and quickly! 
One day not long ago I noticed the bumpers in the cabinets and drawers was rotting into this blob of gluey, nasty yuck that is hideous. Hideous I say! So I decided to be industrious and order those cute little sticker bumpers from Amazon and go about replacing every single one of those suckers in the house. Let's just say in hindsight I regret my enthusiasm for property maintenance.

After receiving those cute little pieces of crap, I mean silicone and glue or whatever the Hell they're made of, they sat around for awhile until finally one day I found them in my top drawer where they had gotten lost in the crowd. So, being the follow through gal that I am I decided to go about replacing them. Let me be very clear on this. You don't just simply pull the old one off and replace it with a newer cuter version. Oh No!

What we have here is a ladder, Goo Gone, alcohol, two rags, a knife, a straight edge razor and paper towels with the gooey yucky nasty stuff that is the old bumper that has been on the drawers and cabinets for over nine years. Let me just say that the adhesive used on those original bumpers must be ultra-super-duper-industrial-strength. Not kidding! I have officially developed Popeye muscles from getting that stuff off. This must be what they use to glue airplanes together. But I'm a Taurus and guess what, we are some stubborn-ass folks y'all!

And another thing, guess how many drawers and cabinets are in this house - thousands I tell you, literally thousands! Okay, maybe I exaggerate a little but, really, who needs this freaking many drawers and cabinets? Huh? It's just two little people here. But, guess what, each and every blasted one has stuff in them!

I began in the master bathroom, yep, lots of cabinets in there. I was so eager to get started I didn't realize I was going to need all that stuff in the photo. So after trying with just my Daddy's old knife and getting some okay results but still leaving a nasty, sticky residue behind, I knew the reliable Goo Gone was required. I got it from under the kitchen sink and as the slow, tedious removal of ultra-super-duper-industrial-strength adhesive decided to be as stubborn as any Taurus I've ever known I decided to use even more Goo Gone. Did you know you can get high from Goo Gone, Oh YETH you can! I suggest using it in a well-ventilated area with the fart fan on full blast. Mmmhmm!

After the Goo Gone you have to wipe that oily residue with alcohol and not just any alcohol, 90% alcohol works just great. Fortunately it didn't take the paint off or I'd be painting inside cabinets for weeks! Finally I get to put the brand spanking new little round bumper on and I am done with the lower cabinets and drawers. Oh but look, that cabinet goes up to the freaking ceiling and guess what, yep, there is a glob of old bumper waaaay up there. Hence the ladder. I'm not that fond of ladders. I wear flip-flops around the house. You can't climb up and down a ladder in flip-flops. Not a good idea. I didn't actually fall off but came so close I shook those flip flops right off to my bare feet and felt much safer. I thought maybe I'm part monkey as my toes wrapped around each rung as I climbed ever higher. That's when I knew I needed a tool belt. Yep, climbing up and down ladders to get what was needed seemed so inefficient. So I decided on this. Yes, I know where the words "the mother of invention is necessity" comes from. My hiking belt worked just marvelous.

So here I am on a Sunday afternoon doing this. I've made my way to the kitchen. Egad! The KITCHEN!! Holy Mackerel! Have you SEEN my kitchen! I'll be here till next Sunday!

Anyway, I thought I'd share the joy of what I've been doing all day so you can gain knowledge of how this is done. Should you decide to do this at your house and think I'd be the perfect candidate to help, DON'T CALL ME!!! I will be in the hospital with brain damage from sniffing too much Goo Gone!