Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes

Changes! The one thing that never changes is CHANGE! My emotions go up and down, my reality seems to do the same. The David Bowie song, Changes, comes to mind immediately. Seems it should be my new theme song. I truly try and keep myself in the present moment, One Day At A Time, but we all know that can only be achieved with a great deal of determination and concerted effort. The past creeps in unannounced, the future wants to be seen to determine if you're doing the right thing for what the future will hold. God only knows.

The biggest change is that Shawn is staying with me at the present time. He is fixing everything that has been neglected around here and being so sweet and caring. That's really who he is. Some people disagree that he should be in my life based on timing and outside information that shows some bad decisions were made along his life experiences. We've all done many things we regret. Shawn has made mistakes, who hasn't? Do we let that diminish what we have achieved since those mistakes? I say hell no! Shawn is a good man, I know this with all my heart. My instincts over my lifetime have helped me more times than you can even imagine. I've learned to listen to them. Right now, Shawn is here, he is a good companion, kind, loving and strong. I love him, he loves me. It is working for the moment and that's all that really matters. What other people think or imagine is all about them. Not me. Not Shawn. So here he will stay until I decide it isn't working. We shall see. 

As for exercise and writing the counselor suggested I do more of; exercise I am truly struggling with. I know it 100% makes you feel better releasing those endorphins in your brain. But getting my butt to do it seems to be a challenge every day. I used to be into it. I mean, I was REALLY into exercise. Felt great. I will get there. Once I put my mind to a thing I usually achieve it, me being a Taurus and all. hehe. BUT, and there's always a but, I am writing more, as evidenced by this blog post. It truly helps me put things in perspective. So that's all good. 

I go back to grief counseling on the 26th, I do feel as if it's helping. Gives me hope that I will get through this grieving and mourning of my sweet Randy. I will never ever stop missing him. I know this. He was my one true soul partner and what we had is irreplaceable. I just wish instead of 30 years it had been 60. But my life must go on, even when some days I wish it wouldn't. Some days are definitely harder than others. I wonder what or who decides whether Roxie will be sad for the day or will she have a happy go lucky day? God only knows. And so I will leave it in His capable hands. God has guarded and protected me my entire life. Why would I stop now?

I'm Trying!

It is absolutely amazing what can happen in one short week's time. I was disappointed last weekend that Shawn couldn't come down for a visit. And now I've realized during this past week that it isn't fair to him or me that we even BE in a relationship. I was lonely and there Shawn was, perfectly happy to fill that void.

Perhaps Grief Counseling, which happened on the 20th, has got me thinking about everything and how I truly need to get through my loss of my sweet Randy before I commit to anyone in a relationship capacity. So at this point in time Shawn and I are friends. He's been amazing and understanding and I love him for that.

What's next? I wish I could look into a crystal ball and know what the future will bring. I just want to be happy ONE DAY AT A TIME. Since truly, that's all we really have, isn't it?

Someone asked me not long ago and this is so interesting, who will Roxie be without Randy? Who will I be without any man? Do I really need one? The truthful answer is not really. I have a beautiful home, absolutely the most wonderful friends and family who truly love and care about me, my faithful dog, and apparently folks think I will live longer than anyone else on the planet. When everyone in the world is gone, I'll still be kicking around at 1,003. (Laughing Out Loud!) Yes, I am healthy for my age, but Lord knows I don't want to live that long! Can you imagine watching everyone you love and cherish die as you continue to live on and on? Yuck, nope, not for me! Losing Randy was absolutely the most difficult tragedy I've ever endured. I don't even want a spider to die in my presence. I put them outside when I find them. 

Randy is still here with me, I feel him, and I promise you all that I will welcome that transition when it happens because I will be with him again in Heaven. I was told when I was 8 during a near death experience, that I would be back up there by Jesus, I believed Him then and I believe Him now. Am I done? Probably not. I used to think that the reason I had to come back and live out this lifetime was so my awesome children would be borne, not to mention Teo! But as I was Randy's only caretaker for about a year during his cancer and added Covid pandemic issues, I knew he was another of the reasons I had to come back and be his wife and companion for 30 years. Our marriage was sheer bliss. We had our issues but mostly we were in perfect harmony. We were immensely compatible and loved each other in this life, and I'm 100% sure, in past lives as well. We simply "got" each other. But my friend who asked who I was going to become also knows that Randy was a big presence, and I was perfectly happy to let him take charge and be himself in all ways. Perhaps the husband/wife partnership I had was Old School but I AM old (lol). We each had our roles to play, but he was definitely the Take Charge Guy and I loved it that way. He encouraged me to be myself creatively and in all ways as well. What a happy marriage that was! Do I expect to ever have that again? Oh hell no! I believe with all my heart and soul that you're extremely lucky and blessed to get that kind of partnership in one single lifetime. He was it for me. I'll never have that again in this lifetime, I don't care how old I get.

And my response to this realization is, Who the hell IS Roxie anyway? Have I changed since he passed away, you bet your bottom dollar I have. I've had no choice but to learn many things he did for me without me even knowing it! Will I continue to change as time passes, more than likely. I don't even know what that means at this point! The search goes on, will the Real Roxie please stand up and be known? I'm trying y'all, I'm trying!