Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes

Changes! The one thing that never changes is CHANGE! My emotions go up and down, my reality seems to do the same. The David Bowie song, Changes, comes to mind immediately. Seems it should be my new theme song. I truly try and keep myself in the present moment, One Day At A Time, but we all know that can only be achieved with a great deal of determination and concerted effort. The past creeps in unannounced, the future wants to be seen to determine if you're doing the right thing for what the future will hold. God only knows.

The biggest change is that Shawn is staying with me at the present time. He is fixing everything that has been neglected around here and being so sweet and caring. That's really who he is. Some people disagree that he should be in my life based on timing and outside information that shows some bad decisions were made along his life experiences. We've all done many things we regret. Shawn has made mistakes, who hasn't? Do we let that diminish what we have achieved since those mistakes? I say hell no! Shawn is a good man, I know this with all my heart. My instincts over my lifetime have helped me more times than you can even imagine. I've learned to listen to them. Right now, Shawn is here, he is a good companion, kind, loving and strong. I love him, he loves me. It is working for the moment and that's all that really matters. What other people think or imagine is all about them. Not me. Not Shawn. So here he will stay until I decide it isn't working. We shall see. 

As for exercise and writing the counselor suggested I do more of; exercise I am truly struggling with. I know it 100% makes you feel better releasing those endorphins in your brain. But getting my butt to do it seems to be a challenge every day. I used to be into it. I mean, I was REALLY into exercise. Felt great. I will get there. Once I put my mind to a thing I usually achieve it, me being a Taurus and all. hehe. BUT, and there's always a but, I am writing more, as evidenced by this blog post. It truly helps me put things in perspective. So that's all good. 

I go back to grief counseling on the 26th, I do feel as if it's helping. Gives me hope that I will get through this grieving and mourning of my sweet Randy. I will never ever stop missing him. I know this. He was my one true soul partner and what we had is irreplaceable. I just wish instead of 30 years it had been 60. But my life must go on, even when some days I wish it wouldn't. Some days are definitely harder than others. I wonder what or who decides whether Roxie will be sad for the day or will she have a happy go lucky day? God only knows. And so I will leave it in His capable hands. God has guarded and protected me my entire life. Why would I stop now?

It's Been Awhile

Today is July 21, 2021 and it's been awhile since I posted anything here, May 5, to be exact. So here we go!

I went to grief counseling yesterday and she suggested two things, Exercise and Writing. I've gotten out of the habit of exercising and I used to be so diligent about it. My 66 year old body is going to protest, I know it is, but I will do it anyway. Although the floor plan of this house means I get more exercise walking than I probably realize. It's a very wide house! Randy used to say he got plenty of steps just taking care of it and I totally 'get' that now!

I imagine some of you are wondering why grief counseling now? It's because I finally realized that even though I'm a strong Texas gal, a 30-year blissful marriage isn't something you "get over" you simply "get through" and try and be a happy, productive individual as time goes on. The counselor was great and I go back in three weeks. But in the meantime I will do as she suggested. 

Last night as I lay in bed I reread some of these entries and realized how cathartic they felt for me to write and to put out there. So many people told me that I was helping others who were going through the same loss I have and helping people with emotional issues has always been one of the things I truly love to do. So I consider this a win/win situation.

The past 2 1/2 months have been interesting, to say the least. Many of you know that I began a relationship with an old friend of Randy's, Shawn. Shawn had texted Randy's phone in April and I responded with "Can I call you?" He probably knew right then that something had happened to our sweet Randy. Unbeknownst to me, Randy and Shawn had kept in touch off and on over the 30 years of our marriage. He and Shawn had worked together at Northport in Austin all those years ago and had formed a brother relationship that served them well. I knew Shawn back then but not on any kind of close level, just acquaintances really. We began texting and formed a friendship, catching up and getting to know each other. I kept saying he should come visit, I have a great guest house, and it's beautiful and relaxing. So he finally accepted my invitation and the rest is history. We fell in love and we continue to have a close and rewarding relationship. He lost his soul mate 11 years ago and that fact helped us simply because no one really understands this kind of loss unless you've experienced it. Especially with the kind of soul mate love that we had with our marriages. It's a true blessing to know Shawn and I respect his struggles he's going through and will support him even if we don't stay together. I will love him forever, together or not.

Before Shawn, I dated a couple of guys, but it just didn't feel right. One was even threatened by all the photos of Randy here in this house. Like that's going to EVER change! Randy is still here in so many ways! I feel his presence every single day and I trust that will never change. Shawn accepts that unconditionally and that is as it should be.

That's it for now. I'm genuinely grateful that the counselor suggested I write more often because I believe it will help me "get through" this biggest loss of my entire life. And if I help even one person then it will be worth it.