I'm Trying!

It is absolutely amazing what can happen in one short week's time. I was disappointed last weekend that Shawn couldn't come down for a visit. And now I've realized during this past week that it isn't fair to him or me that we even BE in a relationship. I was lonely and there Shawn was, perfectly happy to fill that void.

Perhaps Grief Counseling, which happened on the 20th, has got me thinking about everything and how I truly need to get through my loss of my sweet Randy before I commit to anyone in a relationship capacity. So at this point in time Shawn and I are friends. He's been amazing and understanding and I love him for that.

What's next? I wish I could look into a crystal ball and know what the future will bring. I just want to be happy ONE DAY AT A TIME. Since truly, that's all we really have, isn't it?

Someone asked me not long ago and this is so interesting, who will Roxie be without Randy? Who will I be without any man? Do I really need one? The truthful answer is not really. I have a beautiful home, absolutely the most wonderful friends and family who truly love and care about me, my faithful dog, and apparently folks think I will live longer than anyone else on the planet. When everyone in the world is gone, I'll still be kicking around at 1,003. (Laughing Out Loud!) Yes, I am healthy for my age, but Lord knows I don't want to live that long! Can you imagine watching everyone you love and cherish die as you continue to live on and on? Yuck, nope, not for me! Losing Randy was absolutely the most difficult tragedy I've ever endured. I don't even want a spider to die in my presence. I put them outside when I find them. 

Randy is still here with me, I feel him, and I promise you all that I will welcome that transition when it happens because I will be with him again in Heaven. I was told when I was 8 during a near death experience, that I would be back up there by Jesus, I believed Him then and I believe Him now. Am I done? Probably not. I used to think that the reason I had to come back and live out this lifetime was so my awesome children would be borne, not to mention Teo! But as I was Randy's only caretaker for about a year during his cancer and added Covid pandemic issues, I knew he was another of the reasons I had to come back and be his wife and companion for 30 years. Our marriage was sheer bliss. We had our issues but mostly we were in perfect harmony. We were immensely compatible and loved each other in this life, and I'm 100% sure, in past lives as well. We simply "got" each other. But my friend who asked who I was going to become also knows that Randy was a big presence, and I was perfectly happy to let him take charge and be himself in all ways. Perhaps the husband/wife partnership I had was Old School but I AM old (lol). We each had our roles to play, but he was definitely the Take Charge Guy and I loved it that way. He encouraged me to be myself creatively and in all ways as well. What a happy marriage that was! Do I expect to ever have that again? Oh hell no! I believe with all my heart and soul that you're extremely lucky and blessed to get that kind of partnership in one single lifetime. He was it for me. I'll never have that again in this lifetime, I don't care how old I get.

And my response to this realization is, Who the hell IS Roxie anyway? Have I changed since he passed away, you bet your bottom dollar I have. I've had no choice but to learn many things he did for me without me even knowing it! Will I continue to change as time passes, more than likely. I don't even know what that means at this point! The search goes on, will the Real Roxie please stand up and be known? I'm trying y'all, I'm trying!

Attitude Adjustment

I had to do an attitude adjustment today and decided it might be a good idea to write it down in case I ever need another one, which we all know I will. So here goes.

Shawn was going to be here this weekend and because of circumstances beyond either one of our control it's not happening. So we're both very disappointed because it's been too long. I sit and sulk for awhile and then finally I told myself that was ridiculous and shit like this happens from time to time and it is usually 100% out of our control. That is life. It throws poop and you just have to duck and avoid the bigger pieces.

So I decided to make lemonade from lemons. I had to give myself a good talking to and decided that this won't hurt us and that there is always a reason when something "bad" happens. We may never know what it is but it's there just the same.

Then I turned on the music and changed the sheets on the bed to stay productive but not overwhelmed. And also decided that writing this down would be a good thing because we all need pep talks at times. I can always go back and read this when I need to. (giggles)

I also changed out the desk chair I'm sitting on this very minute because the big leather one has died. So I went in the garage and found an older secretary's chair and I took the arms off and cleaned it up. I'll probably end up buying a new one on Amazon or something but this is fine in the meantime.

There ya go! I'm still listening to some awesome music and I have always loved writing. It relieves my mind and makes me happy. Especially if I help anyone along the way.

Have a wonderful weekend y'all! Love to all!

It's Been Awhile

Today is July 21, 2021 and it's been awhile since I posted anything here, May 5, to be exact. So here we go!

I went to grief counseling yesterday and she suggested two things, Exercise and Writing. I've gotten out of the habit of exercising and I used to be so diligent about it. My 66 year old body is going to protest, I know it is, but I will do it anyway. Although the floor plan of this house means I get more exercise walking than I probably realize. It's a very wide house! Randy used to say he got plenty of steps just taking care of it and I totally 'get' that now!

I imagine some of you are wondering why grief counseling now? It's because I finally realized that even though I'm a strong Texas gal, a 30-year blissful marriage isn't something you "get over" you simply "get through" and try and be a happy, productive individual as time goes on. The counselor was great and I go back in three weeks. But in the meantime I will do as she suggested. 

Last night as I lay in bed I reread some of these entries and realized how cathartic they felt for me to write and to put out there. So many people told me that I was helping others who were going through the same loss I have and helping people with emotional issues has always been one of the things I truly love to do. So I consider this a win/win situation.

The past 2 1/2 months have been interesting, to say the least. Many of you know that I began a relationship with an old friend of Randy's, Shawn. Shawn had texted Randy's phone in April and I responded with "Can I call you?" He probably knew right then that something had happened to our sweet Randy. Unbeknownst to me, Randy and Shawn had kept in touch off and on over the 30 years of our marriage. He and Shawn had worked together at Northport in Austin all those years ago and had formed a brother relationship that served them well. I knew Shawn back then but not on any kind of close level, just acquaintances really. We began texting and formed a friendship, catching up and getting to know each other. I kept saying he should come visit, I have a great guest house, and it's beautiful and relaxing. So he finally accepted my invitation and the rest is history. We fell in love and we continue to have a close and rewarding relationship. He lost his soul mate 11 years ago and that fact helped us simply because no one really understands this kind of loss unless you've experienced it. Especially with the kind of soul mate love that we had with our marriages. It's a true blessing to know Shawn and I respect his struggles he's going through and will support him even if we don't stay together. I will love him forever, together or not.

Before Shawn, I dated a couple of guys, but it just didn't feel right. One was even threatened by all the photos of Randy here in this house. Like that's going to EVER change! Randy is still here in so many ways! I feel his presence every single day and I trust that will never change. Shawn accepts that unconditionally and that is as it should be.

That's it for now. I'm genuinely grateful that the counselor suggested I write more often because I believe it will help me "get through" this biggest loss of my entire life. And if I help even one person then it will be worth it.