It's Been Awhile

Today is July 21, 2021 and it's been awhile since I posted anything here, May 5, to be exact. So here we go!

I went to grief counseling yesterday and she suggested two things, Exercise and Writing. I've gotten out of the habit of exercising and I used to be so diligent about it. My 66 year old body is going to protest, I know it is, but I will do it anyway. Although the floor plan of this house means I get more exercise walking than I probably realize. It's a very wide house! Randy used to say he got plenty of steps just taking care of it and I totally 'get' that now!

I imagine some of you are wondering why grief counseling now? It's because I finally realized that even though I'm a strong Texas gal, a 30-year blissful marriage isn't something you "get over" you simply "get through" and try and be a happy, productive individual as time goes on. The counselor was great and I go back in three weeks. But in the meantime I will do as she suggested. 

Last night as I lay in bed I reread some of these entries and realized how cathartic they felt for me to write and to put out there. So many people told me that I was helping others who were going through the same loss I have and helping people with emotional issues has always been one of the things I truly love to do. So I consider this a win/win situation.

The past 2 1/2 months have been interesting, to say the least. Many of you know that I began a relationship with an old friend of Randy's, Shawn. Shawn had texted Randy's phone in April and I responded with "Can I call you?" He probably knew right then that something had happened to our sweet Randy. Unbeknownst to me, Randy and Shawn had kept in touch off and on over the 30 years of our marriage. He and Shawn had worked together at Northport in Austin all those years ago and had formed a brother relationship that served them well. I knew Shawn back then but not on any kind of close level, just acquaintances really. We began texting and formed a friendship, catching up and getting to know each other. I kept saying he should come visit, I have a great guest house, and it's beautiful and relaxing. So he finally accepted my invitation and the rest is history. We fell in love and we continue to have a close and rewarding relationship. He lost his soul mate 11 years ago and that fact helped us simply because no one really understands this kind of loss unless you've experienced it. Especially with the kind of soul mate love that we had with our marriages. It's a true blessing to know Shawn and I respect his struggles he's going through and will support him even if we don't stay together. I will love him forever, together or not.

Before Shawn, I dated a couple of guys, but it just didn't feel right. One was even threatened by all the photos of Randy here in this house. Like that's going to EVER change! Randy is still here in so many ways! I feel his presence every single day and I trust that will never change. Shawn accepts that unconditionally and that is as it should be.

That's it for now. I'm genuinely grateful that the counselor suggested I write more often because I believe it will help me "get through" this biggest loss of my entire life. And if I help even one person then it will be worth it.

Mother's Day Blackberry Cobbler

Mother's Day 2021 is upon us. My Momma passed away in 2018 and I miss her. She was such a good Momma.

A funny memory came up the other day as I was thinking about making a blackberry cobbler. When I was little, but after nine because we had moved to Spring, Texas, we lived beside a ditch where blackberries grew wild along the edge. Us three kids job was to bring back as many fresh blackberries as our basket would hold. My older brother and sister would bring back baskets full of those beautiful purple delicacies, mine, not so much. But I'd bring back some. Upon going to the kitchen where Momma was waiting patiently for us she would look at their baskets, great job. Momma would look in my basket and my purple lined mouth and tongue and ask, is that all you could find? Looking up at her with my big brown eyes and traitorous mouth and tongue - YES, that's all I could find. Donny and Donna got them all. Looking down because I couldn't look her in the eye and lie. I'm a terrible liar. I usually just blurt out the truth. She would simply laugh and say maybe more next time, okay? Yes ma'am.

Today I am making blackberry cobbler in her honor. 

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY y'all!

Celebration of Life

It's less than a week until my birthday and Randy's Celebration of Life party. We've been busy bees making arrangements and writing and looking at pictures, videos, slideshows. It's exhausting and overwhelming. It was 7 months on the 12th of this month since he passed. There hasn't been one single day that I don't miss him. I truly don't expect that to ever change. That kind of love and devotion is a once in a lifetime partnership. And that's what we were, partners in every sense of the word. My soulmate. Simple as that. But not simple, not by any stretch of the imagination. 

I know he will live in my heart forever and always and he definitely has shown me that he is still here watching over me. I simply miss the Earthly senses part of our souls living in this realm for whatever God has planned for us. He took him too soon. Now I truly understand the adage, Only the Good Die Young. 61 was too young!

As I vacuumed yesterday I realized it'd been quite awhile since I vacuumed. Guess who always did that? Guess who remembered to include my closet in that routine. I didn't yesterday, and so today I did my closet and thought of all the little things Randy did for me without me even realizing it. That's love y'all. Just doing small gestures that show the love and devotion you have for your partner, expecting absolutely nothing in return. That was my Randy.

I could go on and on about the myriad of these kinds of gestures he exhibited for me. I miss those so terribly much and wish I'd thanked and hugged him a million more times than I did. I can't go back and do that though. I hope he knows how much I will always love and cherish the memories, the laughter, the good times we shared over our 30+ years together.

So I've cried a lot these last few days because of the loss being so close and oh so  permanent. I would give anything to have had more time. My only take-away is to advise couples to never take a single thing for granted. Hug more, laugh more, feel the gratitude towards them more, give flowers unexpectedly, kiss more, travel together more, cook meals together more, and especially HUG more! I miss those hugs more than anything else in the world. So next time you see me, I'll be that obnoxious huggy person that doesn't let go for an extra second or two. Please forgive and bear with me during this time. I'm kind of an emotional wreck. Need hugs!

Easter 2021

It's Easter Sunday. Why are holidays so hard? I woke up early and then promptly went back to sleep until about 7:30. Got up, had my coffee, let my sweet friend know that I wouldn't be going to church with her today. I am isolating. I know that's not good, but I can't seem to help myself. I miss him so terribly today, I know it's because I'm alone. I know it's part of going forward, dealing with loneliness, and sometimes I am perfectly happy solo. But today, a holiday, brings it all too close, this loneliness. Thank God for Marley, my constant companion and the most loyal friend I could ever have. I sorta can't wait for this day to end. Please Time, go by really fast. But it probably won't. Sigh. 

I wish there was an easy solution to this lonely thing. I know this too shall pass, it has for the last 6 and a half months. But sometimes time just goes by way too slow. Ironically 'Time' by Hootie & The Blowfish is playing on My Pandora. Irony?

I should focus on the meaning of the day - the most important day of the year, Jesus rising from the dead and all our sins are forgiven. Wow! That's so amazing. Thank you Jesus!

I hope you all have a truly wonderful day, love on your family and friends that surround you. Be grateful. Be happy. Live this day to it's absolute fullest!

I wish I could get one last hug from my soul mate.

Living Afterwards

Life after Randy's passing has been such a whirlwind ride, ups and downs and everything in between. At first I thought there was absolutely no way I'd ever be happy again. That would be impossible without him here. He was my happiness and contributed greatly to that on a moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year, basis. How could I possibly ever laugh or smile if he wasn't here with me to enjoy it as well? But along the way of grieving and mourning I made the absolute profound discovery that if I could make just one person smile or outright laugh at least once a day, I could pass on what Randy did for me every single day since the day I met him in 1988. That's a lot of laughing and smiling! And how lucky was I to have that for over 30 years? A true blessing. I am beyond grateful to have had that for so long.

So now if I can just make one person happy for a few moments, I have fulfilled my goal for the day in Randy's honor. Often while laughing with someone I feel Randy's love and laughter in my heart and I know he is still with me and it simply feels right. I will strive to do this every single day until I die. The true lesson is that while trying to make someone else smile or laugh, I find myself doing the same thing. It's a win/win deal y'all. I strongly suggest trying this on for yourself. You won't be disappointed.

While endeavoring to spread joy and laughter each and every day I have met and become close to some outstanding people. I've become more social than when Randy was here. I get lonely, pretty simple actually, so when a friend asks me to lunch or dinner or a party, I generally go. Why not? Who knows who you'll meet or become friends with. I'm a firm believer that you can't have enough friends, good people who will laugh with you, cry with you, help you when you need it and vice versa. Not all are who they appear though, are they? You have to get to know a person slowly and thoroughly before you really know them. Some have parts of them that only come out in time. Some have sides that they guard so you don't see that part. I am one that will figure it all out though. I am patient. I tend to be an open book. What you see is what you get. I am easy to read. My eyes reveal it all. Some people are very good at hiding the parts they don't want you to see. But my eyes can see you. It will all be revealed in time.

I've learned way more about house maintenance than I ever thought I would. Since Randy was Handy Randy and fixed everything, I have discovered that I can be Handy Roxie if I need to. My Daddy was Mr. Fix It and I literally would follow him around and get his tools and hand them to him sometimes. I learned a lot just by watching. I did the same thing with Randy, his assistant at times. Now the sense of accomplishment I achieve when I actually fix something is quite satisfying. I like that feeling. Who needs a plumber, right? Just kidding, a couple of those calls after the Deep Freeze were absolutely necessary. I can't do everything, I'm smart enough to know when the job is over my head! 

Randy left me a Vendor List, it covers anyone who has ever made any kind of repair or work done on this house. How sweet was that? Also, he put manuals around or near an appliance or tool so it would be readily available if I needed it in the future. Who does that? The man thought of everything. I know he was worried about me before he passed about whether or not I'd be able to stay in our beautiful home. He should never have had a doubt. I'm here til the day I die. Just like he was. I will die in that same bed in this same house. Mark my words.

Life really does go on. Whether you want it to or not. Rest assured, there will be moments, many moments, when I just don't want to go on any longer. It's too hard, or it's too much, or I just don't care anymore, but I will persevere. I am a Survivor, with a capital S! I'll get through whatever it is that Life throws at me. Do I really have any other choice? Nope! Hopefully some fun adventures will be coming my way when it's time. I'm ready Destiny! Bring it on!

 I MISS HIM

I'm having a hard day.  Nothing in particular has happened. Nothing out of the ordinary. Just a regular Tuesday.  I woke up around 7:15 and since the maids were coming I hurried, got dressed, after having my coffee, of course. And prepared the last minute details for their arrival. I love my sweet housecleaners. They do a great job and I don't have to do it.  Super kind and sweet ladies.

 

And my sweet friend even came over and we talked and laughed like we always do. She suggested I continue writing here so here I am. After she left I was just walking around our beautiful home and admiring different aspects of it. I guarantee you this house wouldn't be so awesome if Randy hadn't played a huge part in making sure every detail was covered and it was well maintained and well put together. I think even Al wouldn't disagree with that assessment. Although they butted heads many times. LOL

 

After looking around for awhile I simply started to miss him. I miss his presence, I miss his absolute adoration he bestowed upon me on a daily basis and then some. I miss his laugh. I miss his beautiful brain that kept me informed or answered my stupid questions without hesitation, every single time. I miss his love of fishing (Randy's fish tacos were the best I've ever eaten!). I miss his wonderful connection to Marley and how Marley would follow him around outside. I miss how he did so many things without me even realizing it. I think it gave him pleasure that I never even had to think about whatever it was he was doing. He found pleasure just in the doing of it. I miss his planning skills. If we were going on vacation, by golly every single T was crossed and I dotted. Guaranteed! The route, if we were driving, was meticulously gone over, more than once. Hotels were booked along the way, making sure Marley was welcome. Even food prep was thought through. Yep, he could have been a Travel Agent, no doubt. That was so much a part of him, his ability to plan and organize. I miss that. I miss his ability to fix every single thing I ever gave him to fix. From steam iron, curling iron, hair dryer, blender, toaster, hand mixer, coffee maker, washer/dryer, it just didn't matter what it was, he fixed it, without fail. He was the hardest working little sucker I've ever known. And if he took on a job, it was done right! Yes, he was a bit OCD, which made him perfect for me! I cooked, he cleaned and, oh my goodness, it was CLEAN when he was finished. I miss him preparing the coffee maker the night before so all I had to do was flip a switch the next morning. I miss him holding me from behind as we slept. I miss his warm body that was so warm it was my source of heat some nights, he radiated it! LOL I miss all of these things. But mostly I just miss my sweetheart of 30 years. I truly realize how much I had now that he's gone. He knew I loved him, and I tried to show him in the myriad ways a couple together that long can do without even thinking about it. But I should have told him more. I should have hugged him more. I should have let him know how brilliant I thought he was. My love and adoration know no bounds. I hope he knew that. I hope he realized deep down how devoted I was to him.

 

I miss him.

Life Goes On

Good Morning Everyone,

Since my last blog I've improved somewhat. I still have days when I just wish he'd simply walk back in the door after being gone for a few days and I would be so happy to see him. We'd laugh and carry on like we did for years. But that ain't gonna happen.

I have lonely days. But I am so blessed to have the people who check on me frequently and invite me to dinner and lunch. I tend to isolate and I know that's not good so I've started to make myself get out more and I'm always happy when I do. Marley is a good companion, too. I dread the day this over 12 year old beast joins Randy. I'll be broken again for awhile. I've had thoughts about what I will do when that happens, like you do when you have all this time. I may not get another dog for a bit. Maybe travel some. Just imagine being able to lock the door and leave is intriguing. I can't even remember when that option was available. lol

I'm still very busy in the office, getting stuff in my name and taking care of business. It's a struggle, I gotta tell ya. But I'm learning. I've made mistakes, but those are the hardest lessons and I won't be making those again! Don't have to tell me twice!

What has helped me cope more than anything is when I decided that I would search every single day for something to make me laugh and smile. I do this in Randy's honor. He was happiest when I was happy and I feel if I do that he will know. I can feel him smile when I do it. He will be with me always and sometimes when I am laughing I can feel him laughing with me. 

Don't worry, I am apparently much stronger than I thought. I'm a tough ol' Texas gal and that will sustain me and get me through this difficult time! 

Love y'all!