Time

I have no earthly idea why, but today has turned out to be a really sad day for me. Started out normal, nothing bad has happened. I had to work in the office for a bit and while I'm in there I always check his phone. Today I noticed a picture at the top and then looked at all the pics it showed. Old photos of me, a photo of us clearly showing the all-encompassing love we shared, him on his bike in his gear, all buff and healthy and all. God, I missed him with my whole being in that moment and it hasn't gotten easier as the day wears on. Finally I simply gave up and took my shower and am now in bed. Cancelling any plans I had. Probably going to immerse myself in some TV show I've DVR'd. Shawn is here being a sweetheart but basically all I want is to be left alone to wallow in my misery. September 12th is all too close I guess. One year ago today, my sweet man was very near his end to this earthly plane. I would have died for him if I could. Truly I would have. With no regrets whatsoever.

My heart physically aches, my tears keep falling, and I'm a miserable mess today. I know it will pass. It has to. But it just seems so overwhelming. How can I go on? How can I ever be happy again? It just doesn't seem possible. I used all my happiness up with him. Thirty years of a whole lot of love, laughter, traveling, so many blessed moments with him. We were absolutely meant to be together. Our love is never ending; an eternity of love is what we share. I know this. But I miss his physical presence so much it's excruciating at times. You know, those little touches, the little inside jokes we shared, the notes we'd leave each other in odd little places, the food we shared, the complete understanding of what each of us like or even disliked. The only way to know someone that thoroughly is 30 years of bliss. That's what we had. Bliss. I miss that. I honestly don't think I'll ever have that again. He was it for me. So, I'm sad today with one whole year of missing him.

Please forgive my sad blog post. I'm hoping after some more Time has passed I will feel less like a blubbering baby. But I allow myself this because I honestly can't do anything about it. Time. Time is all I have. I wish I'd had moreTime with him. I know that is selfish but what we had just doesn't happen every day. And I'm left here on this earthly plane knowing that. Missing that Time. That perfect Time we had together. I should be grateful for those thirty long years and I am. Truly I am! I just wanted more Time.

New Month/New Sadness

Here I am again on the 4th of September. On the 1st I was like, WHUT? It's September already? How can that be? Where has the time gone? BUT, and there's always a butt, so much has happened this past year! OMG isn't quite descriptive enough for the changes in me. I mean, seriously, does anyone at all think I'm the same person I was a year ago? Heck no! But this past year has held many, many happy moments almost always more frequent than the bad moments. Sad moments, I should say.

The reason I haven't posted here in awhile is very simple. I am once again mourning a person I love, like my own son. Harris Baker was truly the highlight for me this past year. He was here for me in ways that can only be described as a son doing for his momma because she can't, or she's lonely, or I just want to help alleviate her pain in any way I can. He was that guy. He was here for me on the day Randy passed away, got here in about 5-7 minutes as I recall. And held me and cried with me and talked to me and said all the right things, just like a son would do. That relationship was one of the sweetest I've ever had in my life. Harris touched my heart and I loved him so much. Frank once called and told me that what Harris and I have is truly beautiful and so sweet to watch. That touched me for his father to thank me for loving his son but also because, seriously, if you knew Harris, you loved him. Very simple, really. He was that guy and his Celebration of Life last Saturday was truly an example of the effect he had on everyone who ever met him. So sweet, kind, funny!, and loving. I miss him. I will never ever forget him. He was my other son, and he knew it.

Harris' passing just brought up so much anguish all over again of losing my sweet Randy. Chandler, Harris' fiancé and I totally know that Randy was there to greet Harris in Heaven and fiercely hug him and take care of him. Familiarize him with the surroundings and all. Randy was such an excellent teacher, patient and kind, he'll teach him all the good stuff. He taught me sooo much in our over 30 years together. Thank you for that, sweet man!

As for my current situation, Shawn is here until he isn't. I'll let ya know if and when that happens. In the meantime, I'm getting through One Day At A Time. It's all we got! Oh, and one last thought, Love each other like there's no tomorrow! Love yourself like there's no tomorrow, too! Never ever neglect yourself. If you want someone to love you, you have to love yourself enough to know that you're worth all the effort, even if you are occasionally a pain in the ass, right Shawn?! 😆

Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes

Changes! The one thing that never changes is CHANGE! My emotions go up and down, my reality seems to do the same. The David Bowie song, Changes, comes to mind immediately. Seems it should be my new theme song. I truly try and keep myself in the present moment, One Day At A Time, but we all know that can only be achieved with a great deal of determination and concerted effort. The past creeps in unannounced, the future wants to be seen to determine if you're doing the right thing for what the future will hold. God only knows.

The biggest change is that Shawn is staying with me at the present time. He is fixing everything that has been neglected around here and being so sweet and caring. That's really who he is. Some people disagree that he should be in my life based on timing and outside information that shows some bad decisions were made along his life experiences. We've all done many things we regret. Shawn has made mistakes, who hasn't? Do we let that diminish what we have achieved since those mistakes? I say hell no! Shawn is a good man, I know this with all my heart. My instincts over my lifetime have helped me more times than you can even imagine. I've learned to listen to them. Right now, Shawn is here, he is a good companion, kind, loving and strong. I love him, he loves me. It is working for the moment and that's all that really matters. What other people think or imagine is all about them. Not me. Not Shawn. So here he will stay until I decide it isn't working. We shall see. 

As for exercise and writing the counselor suggested I do more of; exercise I am truly struggling with. I know it 100% makes you feel better releasing those endorphins in your brain. But getting my butt to do it seems to be a challenge every day. I used to be into it. I mean, I was REALLY into exercise. Felt great. I will get there. Once I put my mind to a thing I usually achieve it, me being a Taurus and all. hehe. BUT, and there's always a but, I am writing more, as evidenced by this blog post. It truly helps me put things in perspective. So that's all good. 

I go back to grief counseling on the 26th, I do feel as if it's helping. Gives me hope that I will get through this grieving and mourning of my sweet Randy. I will never ever stop missing him. I know this. He was my one true soul partner and what we had is irreplaceable. I just wish instead of 30 years it had been 60. But my life must go on, even when some days I wish it wouldn't. Some days are definitely harder than others. I wonder what or who decides whether Roxie will be sad for the day or will she have a happy go lucky day? God only knows. And so I will leave it in His capable hands. God has guarded and protected me my entire life. Why would I stop now?

One Day At A Time

Ten days have passed since my last entry. I had Teo from Monday to Friday last week and that kept me busy for sure! We had a wonderful time, y'all know from the pics and entries on Facebook. We celebrated his 10th Birthday with a swim party with Tricia's sweet grands, made personal pizzas, had cupcakes after singing Happy Birthday, and then opened presents. He was very happy the whole time and that is all a Mimi can hope for. He's an amazing, smart, funny, and handsome young man and I can not believe he's now in the double digits! I can remember the day he was born like it was yesterday, but SO much has changed in ten years! Some good, a lot not so good.

My missing my sweet Randy is at an all-time high these days. When he first passed away I was so relieved because of the agony and pain he was experiencing. But now I just sit down and bawl like a baby because the realization has occurred that he's not coming back. Not today, not ever. I feel him here but he's not physically here. My heart aches with longing for him to simply walk in from the garage after being gone on a vacation for a long time. Wouldn't that be the best thing that ever happened to me? But I am absolutely a realist, and that part of me knows that isn't going to happen. So I cry ... A LOT! these days.

I listen to a lot of music, too. I will hear a song that he liked or something he said always reminded him of me like Brown Eyed Girl and I just cry because I know he didn't dedicate that song to me. It's just a coincidence it's playing on Pandora or even my phone. Maybe he's behind the scenes playing me music. I like to think so.

And the Covid pandemic has me scared, truly frightened to get it, it's evil wicked and more people are getting it. I don't even know what to believe on that subject anymore. People I know and dearly love have it. I just want no part of that whatsoever. So I'm isolating, spraying things with alcohol and disinfectant. Just like at the beginning of this wretched, horrible disease. I hate living in fear. I sometimes think, well, it's in God's hands. If I get it and pass on, then I will be with Randy. Yay me. But I also have loved ones that would truly be broken if that happened. So I'm being overly cautious and isolating. 

I'm alone most of the time, just me and Marley. We are inseparable. One Day At A Time, is all we really have so I'm just focusing on that. I can get through just one day, right? And I'm back to Grief Counseling tomorrow, second visit. I'm supposed to bring something that makes me feel close to Randy and reminds me of him. Think I can pack up this entire house and put it in my pocket to show the counselor what we did together? I have gathered a couple things, personal items that have stories. So many things have that quality after 30 years with my guy. He was beyond generous to me, always! And we had so much fun. But it really is the little things that retain their value, not monetary value, sentimental value, which is way more precious to me than any Tiffany & Co. item he ever bought me.

I remember being blissfully happy with Shawn not that long after Randy passed, I think I was eager to "feel" something that didn't include sadness and it felt like Shawn and I were mourning together while enjoying each other's company at the same time. He loved Randy like a brother and I believe that was beneficial to me at the time. We have remained friends and I wouldn't have it any other way. He's a great guy and I love him. Who knows what the future will bring. I'm just trying to get through this one day. Shawn's patience is remarkable and he simply wants me to be happy, whatever that means. What more can I ask for in a friend? As far as I'm concerned, absolutely nothing.

Not a happy blog post, I know. But this is where I am right now, right this very minute. I will continue to be as happy as I can, One Day At A Time. Thank you for reading and any comments would be greatly appreciated as well. Suggestions on what I might be doing differently, anything at all, would be welcomed. 

I'm Trying!

It is absolutely amazing what can happen in one short week's time. I was disappointed last weekend that Shawn couldn't come down for a visit. And now I've realized during this past week that it isn't fair to him or me that we even BE in a relationship. I was lonely and there Shawn was, perfectly happy to fill that void.

Perhaps Grief Counseling, which happened on the 20th, has got me thinking about everything and how I truly need to get through my loss of my sweet Randy before I commit to anyone in a relationship capacity. So at this point in time Shawn and I are friends. He's been amazing and understanding and I love him for that.

What's next? I wish I could look into a crystal ball and know what the future will bring. I just want to be happy ONE DAY AT A TIME. Since truly, that's all we really have, isn't it?

Someone asked me not long ago and this is so interesting, who will Roxie be without Randy? Who will I be without any man? Do I really need one? The truthful answer is not really. I have a beautiful home, absolutely the most wonderful friends and family who truly love and care about me, my faithful dog, and apparently folks think I will live longer than anyone else on the planet. When everyone in the world is gone, I'll still be kicking around at 1,003. (Laughing Out Loud!) Yes, I am healthy for my age, but Lord knows I don't want to live that long! Can you imagine watching everyone you love and cherish die as you continue to live on and on? Yuck, nope, not for me! Losing Randy was absolutely the most difficult tragedy I've ever endured. I don't even want a spider to die in my presence. I put them outside when I find them. 

Randy is still here with me, I feel him, and I promise you all that I will welcome that transition when it happens because I will be with him again in Heaven. I was told when I was 8 during a near death experience, that I would be back up there by Jesus, I believed Him then and I believe Him now. Am I done? Probably not. I used to think that the reason I had to come back and live out this lifetime was so my awesome children would be borne, not to mention Teo! But as I was Randy's only caretaker for about a year during his cancer and added Covid pandemic issues, I knew he was another of the reasons I had to come back and be his wife and companion for 30 years. Our marriage was sheer bliss. We had our issues but mostly we were in perfect harmony. We were immensely compatible and loved each other in this life, and I'm 100% sure, in past lives as well. We simply "got" each other. But my friend who asked who I was going to become also knows that Randy was a big presence, and I was perfectly happy to let him take charge and be himself in all ways. Perhaps the husband/wife partnership I had was Old School but I AM old (lol). We each had our roles to play, but he was definitely the Take Charge Guy and I loved it that way. He encouraged me to be myself creatively and in all ways as well. What a happy marriage that was! Do I expect to ever have that again? Oh hell no! I believe with all my heart and soul that you're extremely lucky and blessed to get that kind of partnership in one single lifetime. He was it for me. I'll never have that again in this lifetime, I don't care how old I get.

And my response to this realization is, Who the hell IS Roxie anyway? Have I changed since he passed away, you bet your bottom dollar I have. I've had no choice but to learn many things he did for me without me even knowing it! Will I continue to change as time passes, more than likely. I don't even know what that means at this point! The search goes on, will the Real Roxie please stand up and be known? I'm trying y'all, I'm trying!

Attitude Adjustment

I had to do an attitude adjustment today and decided it might be a good idea to write it down in case I ever need another one, which we all know I will. So here goes.

Shawn was going to be here this weekend and because of circumstances beyond either one of our control it's not happening. So we're both very disappointed because it's been too long. I sit and sulk for awhile and then finally I told myself that was ridiculous and shit like this happens from time to time and it is usually 100% out of our control. That is life. It throws poop and you just have to duck and avoid the bigger pieces.

So I decided to make lemonade from lemons. I had to give myself a good talking to and decided that this won't hurt us and that there is always a reason when something "bad" happens. We may never know what it is but it's there just the same.

Then I turned on the music and changed the sheets on the bed to stay productive but not overwhelmed. And also decided that writing this down would be a good thing because we all need pep talks at times. I can always go back and read this when I need to. (giggles)

I also changed out the desk chair I'm sitting on this very minute because the big leather one has died. So I went in the garage and found an older secretary's chair and I took the arms off and cleaned it up. I'll probably end up buying a new one on Amazon or something but this is fine in the meantime.

There ya go! I'm still listening to some awesome music and I have always loved writing. It relieves my mind and makes me happy. Especially if I help anyone along the way.

Have a wonderful weekend y'all! Love to all!

It's Been Awhile

Today is July 21, 2021 and it's been awhile since I posted anything here, May 5, to be exact. So here we go!

I went to grief counseling yesterday and she suggested two things, Exercise and Writing. I've gotten out of the habit of exercising and I used to be so diligent about it. My 66 year old body is going to protest, I know it is, but I will do it anyway. Although the floor plan of this house means I get more exercise walking than I probably realize. It's a very wide house! Randy used to say he got plenty of steps just taking care of it and I totally 'get' that now!

I imagine some of you are wondering why grief counseling now? It's because I finally realized that even though I'm a strong Texas gal, a 30-year blissful marriage isn't something you "get over" you simply "get through" and try and be a happy, productive individual as time goes on. The counselor was great and I go back in three weeks. But in the meantime I will do as she suggested. 

Last night as I lay in bed I reread some of these entries and realized how cathartic they felt for me to write and to put out there. So many people told me that I was helping others who were going through the same loss I have and helping people with emotional issues has always been one of the things I truly love to do. So I consider this a win/win situation.

The past 2 1/2 months have been interesting, to say the least. Many of you know that I began a relationship with an old friend of Randy's, Shawn. Shawn had texted Randy's phone in April and I responded with "Can I call you?" He probably knew right then that something had happened to our sweet Randy. Unbeknownst to me, Randy and Shawn had kept in touch off and on over the 30 years of our marriage. He and Shawn had worked together at Northport in Austin all those years ago and had formed a brother relationship that served them well. I knew Shawn back then but not on any kind of close level, just acquaintances really. We began texting and formed a friendship, catching up and getting to know each other. I kept saying he should come visit, I have a great guest house, and it's beautiful and relaxing. So he finally accepted my invitation and the rest is history. We fell in love and we continue to have a close and rewarding relationship. He lost his soul mate 11 years ago and that fact helped us simply because no one really understands this kind of loss unless you've experienced it. Especially with the kind of soul mate love that we had with our marriages. It's a true blessing to know Shawn and I respect his struggles he's going through and will support him even if we don't stay together. I will love him forever, together or not.

Before Shawn, I dated a couple of guys, but it just didn't feel right. One was even threatened by all the photos of Randy here in this house. Like that's going to EVER change! Randy is still here in so many ways! I feel his presence every single day and I trust that will never change. Shawn accepts that unconditionally and that is as it should be.

That's it for now. I'm genuinely grateful that the counselor suggested I write more often because I believe it will help me "get through" this biggest loss of my entire life. And if I help even one person then it will be worth it.