It's Been Awhile

It’s been awhile, well over a year since I posted anything here. I’m generally a happy person but so much has felt bad lately so I’ve avoided airing it out here. But if not here, where?

Shawn has moved back to Colorado and is doing well getting back together with his family and spreading his love there where he belongs. Getting help with his physical ailments and that makes me glad. I wish him only good things. I’m at a time in my life when I realize that virtually everything happens the way it’s supposed to. Which means I’m open to suggestions. Lol

The first thing that happened after he left was I immediately went back in time on grieving my sweet Randy. And man, it’s been a constant battle to have a good attitude, which I generally have enjoyed in the past. I’ve become a bit of a recluse and rarely go out. I have groceries delivered. I watch a lot of TV. I play endlessly with sweet Romeo. And speaking of him, he is truly my ESA, Emotional Support Animal, he calms me down, entertains me, makes me smile, makes everyone who meets him smile, I’m so lucky we found each other. He’s truly my best friend.

I have friends and family that come to visit and those days are the highlight of my life lately. I don’t know what the future will bring but my alone times are most of the times for me. I realize that my entire life I’ve lived and slept with someone else. First with my sister, who got married when I was 15 and I could NOT get to sleep for the longest time! Then I got married when I was 17 and slept with Gene III for a while, then back home six months later. Met and eventually married the father of my children and was married for almost 13 years. Then briefly to Bill, nine months, I think, left the day I broke his nose, never saw him again. Home to Texas after that. And finally met and was married to my soul mate after being friends for a year and a half. “Friends First” I’ve said every since to everyone. It matters in your future, jus’sayin’. 30 blissful (mostly) years with my soul mate, that can’t have happened without help from the other side, Guardian Angels have followed me around my entire life. I’ve kept ‘em busy. Lol

I really am looking forward to my H-Lady friends’ visit coming up shortly! I’ve needed a girl weekend with them for quite awhile. More to follow on that in the future. We’ll see how much I can reveal after the fact.  Ha! Got your attention, didn’t I? That’s all for now. I’ll try and be more frequent on posting here. Maybe something exciting will happen soon. Fingers crossed!

Marley - He Did It Again!

Been a good while since I've written anything. No particular reason, life is good ... mostly. I've been watching Marley like a hawk, as most of y'all know. He'll be 15 in October this year. What a strong beast he is and hard-headed. I know, I know, he's old and has earned every single loving he gets! What a beast! As proven yesterday. Here's how it went.

I have a gate across the back side of the breezeway for a reason. Marley! He's the reason. Every dog we had before him would walk or run down the pier and never ever think about jumping in. But Marley, well, his nickname is MarshMoo for a reason! He loves tromping around in that nasty, smelly, gross earth under the slimy areas that are out there in the slough and just generally everywhere out there.

The lawn guys left that gate open and I will be telling them about that! So Marley gets let out the front door as usual. Next thing I know Shawn has run in saying they forgot to close the gate! Well, guess who took that golden opportunity to walk down the pier and see what he could see and smell. We looked at the camera and he actually fell off the back bulkhead into the marsh. I can only thank God and Randy that he didn't immediately crack open his head or break something. But he didn't. He took this opportunity to do what he does every time he's jumped in there in the past. The smells must be out of this world! But he eventually tired out and fell down and there he stayed til Shawn picked him up and carried him to the pier. A pretty good ways, I might add. He couldn't move much, so worn out from his physical activity. We sat with him for a minute so he could get his strength back and finally he was able to walk back to the house. Y'all, I couldn't believe he was able to walk at all!

Ultimately what this did is let me know he ain't ready to give up! I honestly thought he'd get hyperthermia or step on something sharp or anything like that. But NO, this beast is amazing! Of course, we had to give him a nice warm shower inside, dry him off, and sit with him just because I was so grateful for the outcome.

So, in conclusion, Marley is invincible!

Sad Day

Ever had one of those days where you just feel like going back to bed and calling it a day and it's still morning? I mean, seriously, everything I look at reminds me of Randy and I finally just sit down and bawl. I know, tears have toxins in them that need to be released and it does help, until the next time. I just miss him so much some days. This morning I made the mistake of going back and looking at messages from him and my sweet daughter and it just broke me. Why did I do that? Ugh!

I should simply be grateful I had 30 years with my soul mate, right? The agony and overwhelming loss of him is too much to bear some days. I guess this is one of them. Distractions help and I'll probably get in the car and get out of here a little bit. Or just simply give up and go back to bed. Who knows?

On second thought I may get in the pool. It's Spring and the sun is shining for now anyway. We've had several days of some pretty intense wind and a bit of isolated showers. Need more rain and if my name were Stormy there'd be plenty of rain down here. 

Another sad thing happening is Marley is aging pretty rapidly it seems. He's 13 1/2 years old now and it's definitely beginning to show. He has some pretty impressive lumps and I won't even tell the vet, she knows. It's just a matter of time. He still surprises me and runs to the gate. I think he pays for that later though. I've put him on CBD Oil and it has made a huge difference. Allowed us more time with him. But it's inevitable. My Daddy, a Native American Indian, was so matter-of-fact when he was aging. "We all die." His words. And he's right, we do. It's the people that are left behind that suffer. I miss that sweet man every day, the best Daddy EVER! He was 82 when he passed. Momma was 86. People predict I'll be the last person on Earth. LOL Anyway, many prayers for my sweet Marley will be appreciated.

You know, as I write this I realize how lucky I am. My daughter just called, seems to know when I need her, and vice versa. I am beyond grateful for the people in my life, my family, my friends, Shawn, and being able to express myself in this forum helps me. Thank you all for that. Until next time, keep your heads up, cry when you need to, call a friend (me) should you feel like it, and just try and be a happy soul. That’s what I’m doing!

We Shall See

Wow! Been quite awhile since I blogged. Needless to say, I've been rather busy. Life seems to just keep moving on, no matter how much you'd like it to stay the same, or even change drastically. It seems to know what I need though, so here I am. 

Shawn is staying until he decides to leave or I ask him to. It's as simple as that. He's a good man and truly cares about Marley and me. So sweet. He keeps everything running in peak condition. And more importantly than all that, I've fallen in love with him. He's extremely hard to resist. I love him. Simple enough, right? Nope, never are things simple enough. But basically, when you get right down to it, it IS pretty simple. I am a widow and am available to have a relationship. He is a very old friend, I've known him at least 30 years because he and Randy worked together and were friends. That is how I reconnected with him after all these years. Apparently he and Randy kept in touch from time to time through texts. Last April 23rd (ironically my birthday) Shawn had sent Randy a text. I didn't see it until April 26th. I promptly prepared myself for that conversation where someone is unaware he had passed away September 12, 2020, a date I will never ever forget. I texted that it was me, Roxann ..., and could I call him from my phone and gave him that #. As usual, the conversation was sad yet sweet at the same time. It's hard to respond to someone who has lost the love of their life. I know, Shawn lost his Ava 11 years ago, maybe 12 now. So he absolutely "gets" my sad days. Days I miss my beloved Randy. That is comforting to me to know that. It allows me to just feel my feelings, no matter what they are. Total acceptance on his part. That truly feels good and right. He even holds me as I cry on particular bad days. That, my friends, is true acceptance and so so comforting. 

So, yeah, that's a lot of change and we're still new at this. As time travels on, like it does, we become more comfortable with each other. I very simply like him as the good person he is, even if we're not together. Now I miss him terribly when he's not here. But that happens from time to time and I'd say that absence truly does make the heart grow fonder.

So still happy with things as they are so not changing a ding dang thing until I have to or life takes care of it in ways I can't even imagine right now. It tends to or seems to tend to go in that direction. Completely unexpected. But good. You know? Ah well, as we all know - We Shall See!

LONELY

It's October, how in the heck does time seem to fly by at times and sometimes crawl by at a snail's pace? Does anyone else think that time speeds up and slows down? Sometimes a minute is so much longer, other times it's seconds, and not 60 of them!

Shawn is leaving next Tuesday. I will miss him. He has become a wonderful and true friend and so much more. He has helped me through some difficult times, and I'm not sure how I will deal with his loss. More loss it seems like. I'm sick of losing things, ya know? I get so lonely at times and I'm so not looking forward to that again. I will survive, I always do. And there's always texts and phone calls and FaceTime, all of these things help when he's just not here. At least he's still living. I know that sounds awful, but yet, here we are. With Randy and Harris' loss I'm gonna need my friends and family to help me with the lonely.

I HAVE to learn to be alone. That is the lesson here, I think, being alone is a struggle for me. Probably because I had 30 years of being with my sweet Randy and then a year of having Harris here for me whenever I needed him. He was truly my son from another mother. I miss that. And I know I will miss Shawn, too.

Why does life throw these things at us? Lessons. I'm tired of lessons. I just want to be happy in whatever capacity I can achieve on a daily basis. Seems impossible. But life goes on. And I will deal with it. I'm just not looking forward to it. Will I ever be whole again? Wish I could see the future. What will happen? Will it be good or will it be more loss? (Sigh)

This is a bummer post. Sorry! But it's where I am right now. At least I still have my sweet Marley, he's doing well on CBD oil, by the way. Amazing the difference it has made in this almost 13 year old pup. He's my constant companion so at least I won't be completely alone.

Take care y'all. Love your peeps while they're still here. Hug them more. Tell them you love them more. Relish all the moments you have with your loved ones. It matters!

Time

I have no earthly idea why, but today has turned out to be a really sad day for me. Started out normal, nothing bad has happened. I had to work in the office for a bit and while I'm in there I always check his phone. Today I noticed a picture at the top and then looked at all the pics it showed. Old photos of me, a photo of us clearly showing the all-encompassing love we shared, him on his bike in his gear, all buff and healthy and all. God, I missed him with my whole being in that moment and it hasn't gotten easier as the day wears on. Finally I simply gave up and took my shower and am now in bed. Cancelling any plans I had. Probably going to immerse myself in some TV show I've DVR'd. Shawn is here being a sweetheart but basically all I want is to be left alone to wallow in my misery. September 12th is all too close I guess. One year ago today, my sweet man was very near his end to this earthly plane. I would have died for him if I could. Truly I would have. With no regrets whatsoever.

My heart physically aches, my tears keep falling, and I'm a miserable mess today. I know it will pass. It has to. But it just seems so overwhelming. How can I go on? How can I ever be happy again? It just doesn't seem possible. I used all my happiness up with him. Thirty years of a whole lot of love, laughter, traveling, so many blessed moments with him. We were absolutely meant to be together. Our love is never ending; an eternity of love is what we share. I know this. But I miss his physical presence so much it's excruciating at times. You know, those little touches, the little inside jokes we shared, the notes we'd leave each other in odd little places, the food we shared, the complete understanding of what each of us like or even disliked. The only way to know someone that thoroughly is 30 years of bliss. That's what we had. Bliss. I miss that. I honestly don't think I'll ever have that again. He was it for me. So, I'm sad today with one whole year of missing him.

Please forgive my sad blog post. I'm hoping after some more Time has passed I will feel less like a blubbering baby. But I allow myself this because I honestly can't do anything about it. Time. Time is all I have. I wish I'd had moreTime with him. I know that is selfish but what we had just doesn't happen every day. And I'm left here on this earthly plane knowing that. Missing that Time. That perfect Time we had together. I should be grateful for those thirty long years and I am. Truly I am! I just wanted more Time.

New Month/New Sadness

Here I am again on the 4th of September. On the 1st I was like, WHUT? It's September already? How can that be? Where has the time gone? BUT, and there's always a butt, so much has happened this past year! OMG isn't quite descriptive enough for the changes in me. I mean, seriously, does anyone at all think I'm the same person I was a year ago? Heck no! But this past year has held many, many happy moments almost always more frequent than the bad moments. Sad moments, I should say.

The reason I haven't posted here in awhile is very simple. I am once again mourning a person I love, like my own son. Harris Baker was truly the highlight for me this past year. He was here for me in ways that can only be described as a son doing for his momma because she can't, or she's lonely, or I just want to help alleviate her pain in any way I can. He was that guy. He was here for me on the day Randy passed away, got here in about 5-7 minutes as I recall. And held me and cried with me and talked to me and said all the right things, just like a son would do. That relationship was one of the sweetest I've ever had in my life. Harris touched my heart and I loved him so much. Frank once called and told me that what Harris and I have is truly beautiful and so sweet to watch. That touched me for his father to thank me for loving his son but also because, seriously, if you knew Harris, you loved him. Very simple, really. He was that guy and his Celebration of Life last Saturday was truly an example of the effect he had on everyone who ever met him. So sweet, kind, funny!, and loving. I miss him. I will never ever forget him. He was my other son, and he knew it.

Harris' passing just brought up so much anguish all over again of losing my sweet Randy. Chandler, Harris' fiancé and I totally know that Randy was there to greet Harris in Heaven and fiercely hug him and take care of him. Familiarize him with the surroundings and all. Randy was such an excellent teacher, patient and kind, he'll teach him all the good stuff. He taught me sooo much in our over 30 years together. Thank you for that, sweet man!

As for my current situation, Shawn is here until he isn't. I'll let ya know if and when that happens. In the meantime, I'm getting through One Day At A Time. It's all we got! Oh, and one last thought, Love each other like there's no tomorrow! Love yourself like there's no tomorrow, too! Never ever neglect yourself. If you want someone to love you, you have to love yourself enough to know that you're worth all the effort, even if you are occasionally a pain in the ass, right Shawn?! 😆

Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes

Changes! The one thing that never changes is CHANGE! My emotions go up and down, my reality seems to do the same. The David Bowie song, Changes, comes to mind immediately. Seems it should be my new theme song. I truly try and keep myself in the present moment, One Day At A Time, but we all know that can only be achieved with a great deal of determination and concerted effort. The past creeps in unannounced, the future wants to be seen to determine if you're doing the right thing for what the future will hold. God only knows.

The biggest change is that Shawn is staying with me at the present time. He is fixing everything that has been neglected around here and being so sweet and caring. That's really who he is. Some people disagree that he should be in my life based on timing and outside information that shows some bad decisions were made along his life experiences. We've all done many things we regret. Shawn has made mistakes, who hasn't? Do we let that diminish what we have achieved since those mistakes? I say hell no! Shawn is a good man, I know this with all my heart. My instincts over my lifetime have helped me more times than you can even imagine. I've learned to listen to them. Right now, Shawn is here, he is a good companion, kind, loving and strong. I love him, he loves me. It is working for the moment and that's all that really matters. What other people think or imagine is all about them. Not me. Not Shawn. So here he will stay until I decide it isn't working. We shall see. 

As for exercise and writing the counselor suggested I do more of; exercise I am truly struggling with. I know it 100% makes you feel better releasing those endorphins in your brain. But getting my butt to do it seems to be a challenge every day. I used to be into it. I mean, I was REALLY into exercise. Felt great. I will get there. Once I put my mind to a thing I usually achieve it, me being a Taurus and all. hehe. BUT, and there's always a but, I am writing more, as evidenced by this blog post. It truly helps me put things in perspective. So that's all good. 

I go back to grief counseling on the 26th, I do feel as if it's helping. Gives me hope that I will get through this grieving and mourning of my sweet Randy. I will never ever stop missing him. I know this. He was my one true soul partner and what we had is irreplaceable. I just wish instead of 30 years it had been 60. But my life must go on, even when some days I wish it wouldn't. Some days are definitely harder than others. I wonder what or who decides whether Roxie will be sad for the day or will she have a happy go lucky day? God only knows. And so I will leave it in His capable hands. God has guarded and protected me my entire life. Why would I stop now?

One Day At A Time

Ten days have passed since my last entry. I had Teo from Monday to Friday last week and that kept me busy for sure! We had a wonderful time, y'all know from the pics and entries on Facebook. We celebrated his 10th Birthday with a swim party with Tricia's sweet grands, made personal pizzas, had cupcakes after singing Happy Birthday, and then opened presents. He was very happy the whole time and that is all a Mimi can hope for. He's an amazing, smart, funny, and handsome young man and I can not believe he's now in the double digits! I can remember the day he was born like it was yesterday, but SO much has changed in ten years! Some good, a lot not so good.

My missing my sweet Randy is at an all-time high these days. When he first passed away I was so relieved because of the agony and pain he was experiencing. But now I just sit down and bawl like a baby because the realization has occurred that he's not coming back. Not today, not ever. I feel him here but he's not physically here. My heart aches with longing for him to simply walk in from the garage after being gone on a vacation for a long time. Wouldn't that be the best thing that ever happened to me? But I am absolutely a realist, and that part of me knows that isn't going to happen. So I cry ... A LOT! these days.

I listen to a lot of music, too. I will hear a song that he liked or something he said always reminded him of me like Brown Eyed Girl and I just cry because I know he didn't dedicate that song to me. It's just a coincidence it's playing on Pandora or even my phone. Maybe he's behind the scenes playing me music. I like to think so.

And the Covid pandemic has me scared, truly frightened to get it, it's evil wicked and more people are getting it. I don't even know what to believe on that subject anymore. People I know and dearly love have it. I just want no part of that whatsoever. So I'm isolating, spraying things with alcohol and disinfectant. Just like at the beginning of this wretched, horrible disease. I hate living in fear. I sometimes think, well, it's in God's hands. If I get it and pass on, then I will be with Randy. Yay me. But I also have loved ones that would truly be broken if that happened. So I'm being overly cautious and isolating. 

I'm alone most of the time, just me and Marley. We are inseparable. One Day At A Time, is all we really have so I'm just focusing on that. I can get through just one day, right? And I'm back to Grief Counseling tomorrow, second visit. I'm supposed to bring something that makes me feel close to Randy and reminds me of him. Think I can pack up this entire house and put it in my pocket to show the counselor what we did together? I have gathered a couple things, personal items that have stories. So many things have that quality after 30 years with my guy. He was beyond generous to me, always! And we had so much fun. But it really is the little things that retain their value, not monetary value, sentimental value, which is way more precious to me than any Tiffany & Co. item he ever bought me.

I remember being blissfully happy with Shawn not that long after Randy passed, I think I was eager to "feel" something that didn't include sadness and it felt like Shawn and I were mourning together while enjoying each other's company at the same time. He loved Randy like a brother and I believe that was beneficial to me at the time. We have remained friends and I wouldn't have it any other way. He's a great guy and I love him. Who knows what the future will bring. I'm just trying to get through this one day. Shawn's patience is remarkable and he simply wants me to be happy, whatever that means. What more can I ask for in a friend? As far as I'm concerned, absolutely nothing.

Not a happy blog post, I know. But this is where I am right now, right this very minute. I will continue to be as happy as I can, One Day At A Time. Thank you for reading and any comments would be greatly appreciated as well. Suggestions on what I might be doing differently, anything at all, would be welcomed. 

I'm Trying!

It is absolutely amazing what can happen in one short week's time. I was disappointed last weekend that Shawn couldn't come down for a visit. And now I've realized during this past week that it isn't fair to him or me that we even BE in a relationship. I was lonely and there Shawn was, perfectly happy to fill that void.

Perhaps Grief Counseling, which happened on the 20th, has got me thinking about everything and how I truly need to get through my loss of my sweet Randy before I commit to anyone in a relationship capacity. So at this point in time Shawn and I are friends. He's been amazing and understanding and I love him for that.

What's next? I wish I could look into a crystal ball and know what the future will bring. I just want to be happy ONE DAY AT A TIME. Since truly, that's all we really have, isn't it?

Someone asked me not long ago and this is so interesting, who will Roxie be without Randy? Who will I be without any man? Do I really need one? The truthful answer is not really. I have a beautiful home, absolutely the most wonderful friends and family who truly love and care about me, my faithful dog, and apparently folks think I will live longer than anyone else on the planet. When everyone in the world is gone, I'll still be kicking around at 1,003. (Laughing Out Loud!) Yes, I am healthy for my age, but Lord knows I don't want to live that long! Can you imagine watching everyone you love and cherish die as you continue to live on and on? Yuck, nope, not for me! Losing Randy was absolutely the most difficult tragedy I've ever endured. I don't even want a spider to die in my presence. I put them outside when I find them. 

Randy is still here with me, I feel him, and I promise you all that I will welcome that transition when it happens because I will be with him again in Heaven. I was told when I was 8 during a near death experience, that I would be back up there by Jesus, I believed Him then and I believe Him now. Am I done? Probably not. I used to think that the reason I had to come back and live out this lifetime was so my awesome children would be borne, not to mention Teo! But as I was Randy's only caretaker for about a year during his cancer and added Covid pandemic issues, I knew he was another of the reasons I had to come back and be his wife and companion for 30 years. Our marriage was sheer bliss. We had our issues but mostly we were in perfect harmony. We were immensely compatible and loved each other in this life, and I'm 100% sure, in past lives as well. We simply "got" each other. But my friend who asked who I was going to become also knows that Randy was a big presence, and I was perfectly happy to let him take charge and be himself in all ways. Perhaps the husband/wife partnership I had was Old School but I AM old (lol). We each had our roles to play, but he was definitely the Take Charge Guy and I loved it that way. He encouraged me to be myself creatively and in all ways as well. What a happy marriage that was! Do I expect to ever have that again? Oh hell no! I believe with all my heart and soul that you're extremely lucky and blessed to get that kind of partnership in one single lifetime. He was it for me. I'll never have that again in this lifetime, I don't care how old I get.

And my response to this realization is, Who the hell IS Roxie anyway? Have I changed since he passed away, you bet your bottom dollar I have. I've had no choice but to learn many things he did for me without me even knowing it! Will I continue to change as time passes, more than likely. I don't even know what that means at this point! The search goes on, will the Real Roxie please stand up and be known? I'm trying y'all, I'm trying!

Attitude Adjustment

I had to do an attitude adjustment today and decided it might be a good idea to write it down in case I ever need another one, which we all know I will. So here goes.

Shawn was going to be here this weekend and because of circumstances beyond either one of our control it's not happening. So we're both very disappointed because it's been too long. I sit and sulk for awhile and then finally I told myself that was ridiculous and shit like this happens from time to time and it is usually 100% out of our control. That is life. It throws poop and you just have to duck and avoid the bigger pieces.

So I decided to make lemonade from lemons. I had to give myself a good talking to and decided that this won't hurt us and that there is always a reason when something "bad" happens. We may never know what it is but it's there just the same.

Then I turned on the music and changed the sheets on the bed to stay productive but not overwhelmed. And also decided that writing this down would be a good thing because we all need pep talks at times. I can always go back and read this when I need to. (giggles)

I also changed out the desk chair I'm sitting on this very minute because the big leather one has died. So I went in the garage and found an older secretary's chair and I took the arms off and cleaned it up. I'll probably end up buying a new one on Amazon or something but this is fine in the meantime.

There ya go! I'm still listening to some awesome music and I have always loved writing. It relieves my mind and makes me happy. Especially if I help anyone along the way.

Have a wonderful weekend y'all! Love to all!

It's Been Awhile

Today is July 21, 2021 and it's been awhile since I posted anything here, May 5, to be exact. So here we go!

I went to grief counseling yesterday and she suggested two things, Exercise and Writing. I've gotten out of the habit of exercising and I used to be so diligent about it. My 66 year old body is going to protest, I know it is, but I will do it anyway. Although the floor plan of this house means I get more exercise walking than I probably realize. It's a very wide house! Randy used to say he got plenty of steps just taking care of it and I totally 'get' that now!

I imagine some of you are wondering why grief counseling now? It's because I finally realized that even though I'm a strong Texas gal, a 30-year blissful marriage isn't something you "get over" you simply "get through" and try and be a happy, productive individual as time goes on. The counselor was great and I go back in three weeks. But in the meantime I will do as she suggested. 

Last night as I lay in bed I reread some of these entries and realized how cathartic they felt for me to write and to put out there. So many people told me that I was helping others who were going through the same loss I have and helping people with emotional issues has always been one of the things I truly love to do. So I consider this a win/win situation.

The past 2 1/2 months have been interesting, to say the least. Many of you know that I began a relationship with an old friend of Randy's, Shawn. Shawn had texted Randy's phone in April and I responded with "Can I call you?" He probably knew right then that something had happened to our sweet Randy. Unbeknownst to me, Randy and Shawn had kept in touch off and on over the 30 years of our marriage. He and Shawn had worked together at Northport in Austin all those years ago and had formed a brother relationship that served them well. I knew Shawn back then but not on any kind of close level, just acquaintances really. We began texting and formed a friendship, catching up and getting to know each other. I kept saying he should come visit, I have a great guest house, and it's beautiful and relaxing. So he finally accepted my invitation and the rest is history. We fell in love and we continue to have a close and rewarding relationship. He lost his soul mate 11 years ago and that fact helped us simply because no one really understands this kind of loss unless you've experienced it. Especially with the kind of soul mate love that we had with our marriages. It's a true blessing to know Shawn and I respect his struggles he's going through and will support him even if we don't stay together. I will love him forever, together or not.

Before Shawn, I dated a couple of guys, but it just didn't feel right. One was even threatened by all the photos of Randy here in this house. Like that's going to EVER change! Randy is still here in so many ways! I feel his presence every single day and I trust that will never change. Shawn accepts that unconditionally and that is as it should be.

That's it for now. I'm genuinely grateful that the counselor suggested I write more often because I believe it will help me "get through" this biggest loss of my entire life. And if I help even one person then it will be worth it.

Mother's Day Blackberry Cobbler

Mother's Day 2021 is upon us. My Momma passed away in 2018 and I miss her. She was such a good Momma.

A funny memory came up the other day as I was thinking about making a blackberry cobbler. When I was little, but after nine because we had moved to Spring, Texas, we lived beside a ditch where blackberries grew wild along the edge. Us three kids job was to bring back as many fresh blackberries as our basket would hold. My older brother and sister would bring back baskets full of those beautiful purple delicacies, mine, not so much. But I'd bring back some. Upon going to the kitchen where Momma was waiting patiently for us she would look at their baskets, great job. Momma would look in my basket and my purple lined mouth and tongue and ask, is that all you could find? Looking up at her with my big brown eyes and traitorous mouth and tongue - YES, that's all I could find. Donny and Donna got them all. Looking down because I couldn't look her in the eye and lie. I'm a terrible liar. I usually just blurt out the truth. She would simply laugh and say maybe more next time, okay? Yes ma'am.

Today I am making blackberry cobbler in her honor. 

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY y'all!

Celebration of Life

It's less than a week until my birthday and Randy's Celebration of Life party. We've been busy bees making arrangements and writing and looking at pictures, videos, slideshows. It's exhausting and overwhelming. It was 7 months on the 12th of this month since he passed. There hasn't been one single day that I don't miss him. I truly don't expect that to ever change. That kind of love and devotion is a once in a lifetime partnership. And that's what we were, partners in every sense of the word. My soulmate. Simple as that. But not simple, not by any stretch of the imagination. 

I know he will live in my heart forever and always and he definitely has shown me that he is still here watching over me. I simply miss the Earthly senses part of our souls living in this realm for whatever God has planned for us. He took him too soon. Now I truly understand the adage, Only the Good Die Young. 61 was too young!

As I vacuumed yesterday I realized it'd been quite awhile since I vacuumed. Guess who always did that? Guess who remembered to include my closet in that routine. I didn't yesterday, and so today I did my closet and thought of all the little things Randy did for me without me even realizing it. That's love y'all. Just doing small gestures that show the love and devotion you have for your partner, expecting absolutely nothing in return. That was my Randy.

I could go on and on about the myriad of these kinds of gestures he exhibited for me. I miss those so terribly much and wish I'd thanked and hugged him a million more times than I did. I can't go back and do that though. I hope he knows how much I will always love and cherish the memories, the laughter, the good times we shared over our 30+ years together.

So I've cried a lot these last few days because of the loss being so close and oh so  permanent. I would give anything to have had more time. My only take-away is to advise couples to never take a single thing for granted. Hug more, laugh more, feel the gratitude towards them more, give flowers unexpectedly, kiss more, travel together more, cook meals together more, and especially HUG more! I miss those hugs more than anything else in the world. So next time you see me, I'll be that obnoxious huggy person that doesn't let go for an extra second or two. Please forgive and bear with me during this time. I'm kind of an emotional wreck. Need hugs!

Easter 2021

It's Easter Sunday. Why are holidays so hard? I woke up early and then promptly went back to sleep until about 7:30. Got up, had my coffee, let my sweet friend know that I wouldn't be going to church with her today. I am isolating. I know that's not good, but I can't seem to help myself. I miss him so terribly today, I know it's because I'm alone. I know it's part of going forward, dealing with loneliness, and sometimes I am perfectly happy solo. But today, a holiday, brings it all too close, this loneliness. Thank God for Marley, my constant companion and the most loyal friend I could ever have. I sorta can't wait for this day to end. Please Time, go by really fast. But it probably won't. Sigh. 

I wish there was an easy solution to this lonely thing. I know this too shall pass, it has for the last 6 and a half months. But sometimes time just goes by way too slow. Ironically 'Time' by Hootie & The Blowfish is playing on My Pandora. Irony?

I should focus on the meaning of the day - the most important day of the year, Jesus rising from the dead and all our sins are forgiven. Wow! That's so amazing. Thank you Jesus!

I hope you all have a truly wonderful day, love on your family and friends that surround you. Be grateful. Be happy. Live this day to it's absolute fullest!

I wish I could get one last hug from my soul mate.

Living Afterwards

Life after Randy's passing has been such a whirlwind ride, ups and downs and everything in between. At first I thought there was absolutely no way I'd ever be happy again. That would be impossible without him here. He was my happiness and contributed greatly to that on a moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year, basis. How could I possibly ever laugh or smile if he wasn't here with me to enjoy it as well? But along the way of grieving and mourning I made the absolute profound discovery that if I could make just one person smile or outright laugh at least once a day, I could pass on what Randy did for me every single day since the day I met him in 1988. That's a lot of laughing and smiling! And how lucky was I to have that for over 30 years? A true blessing. I am beyond grateful to have had that for so long.

So now if I can just make one person happy for a few moments, I have fulfilled my goal for the day in Randy's honor. Often while laughing with someone I feel Randy's love and laughter in my heart and I know he is still with me and it simply feels right. I will strive to do this every single day until I die. The true lesson is that while trying to make someone else smile or laugh, I find myself doing the same thing. It's a win/win deal y'all. I strongly suggest trying this on for yourself. You won't be disappointed.

While endeavoring to spread joy and laughter each and every day I have met and become close to some outstanding people. I've become more social than when Randy was here. I get lonely, pretty simple actually, so when a friend asks me to lunch or dinner or a party, I generally go. Why not? Who knows who you'll meet or become friends with. I'm a firm believer that you can't have enough friends, good people who will laugh with you, cry with you, help you when you need it and vice versa. Not all are who they appear though, are they? You have to get to know a person slowly and thoroughly before you really know them. Some have parts of them that only come out in time. Some have sides that they guard so you don't see that part. I am one that will figure it all out though. I am patient. I tend to be an open book. What you see is what you get. I am easy to read. My eyes reveal it all. Some people are very good at hiding the parts they don't want you to see. But my eyes can see you. It will all be revealed in time.

I've learned way more about house maintenance than I ever thought I would. Since Randy was Handy Randy and fixed everything, I have discovered that I can be Handy Roxie if I need to. My Daddy was Mr. Fix It and I literally would follow him around and get his tools and hand them to him sometimes. I learned a lot just by watching. I did the same thing with Randy, his assistant at times. Now the sense of accomplishment I achieve when I actually fix something is quite satisfying. I like that feeling. Who needs a plumber, right? Just kidding, a couple of those calls after the Deep Freeze were absolutely necessary. I can't do everything, I'm smart enough to know when the job is over my head! 

Randy left me a Vendor List, it covers anyone who has ever made any kind of repair or work done on this house. How sweet was that? Also, he put manuals around or near an appliance or tool so it would be readily available if I needed it in the future. Who does that? The man thought of everything. I know he was worried about me before he passed about whether or not I'd be able to stay in our beautiful home. He should never have had a doubt. I'm here til the day I die. Just like he was. I will die in that same bed in this same house. Mark my words.

Life really does go on. Whether you want it to or not. Rest assured, there will be moments, many moments, when I just don't want to go on any longer. It's too hard, or it's too much, or I just don't care anymore, but I will persevere. I am a Survivor, with a capital S! I'll get through whatever it is that Life throws at me. Do I really have any other choice? Nope! Hopefully some fun adventures will be coming my way when it's time. I'm ready Destiny! Bring it on!

 I MISS HIM

I'm having a hard day.  Nothing in particular has happened. Nothing out of the ordinary. Just a regular Tuesday.  I woke up around 7:15 and since the maids were coming I hurried, got dressed, after having my coffee, of course. And prepared the last minute details for their arrival. I love my sweet housecleaners. They do a great job and I don't have to do it.  Super kind and sweet ladies.

 

And my sweet friend even came over and we talked and laughed like we always do. She suggested I continue writing here so here I am. After she left I was just walking around our beautiful home and admiring different aspects of it. I guarantee you this house wouldn't be so awesome if Randy hadn't played a huge part in making sure every detail was covered and it was well maintained and well put together. I think even Al wouldn't disagree with that assessment. Although they butted heads many times. LOL

 

After looking around for awhile I simply started to miss him. I miss his presence, I miss his absolute adoration he bestowed upon me on a daily basis and then some. I miss his laugh. I miss his beautiful brain that kept me informed or answered my stupid questions without hesitation, every single time. I miss his love of fishing (Randy's fish tacos were the best I've ever eaten!). I miss his wonderful connection to Marley and how Marley would follow him around outside. I miss how he did so many things without me even realizing it. I think it gave him pleasure that I never even had to think about whatever it was he was doing. He found pleasure just in the doing of it. I miss his planning skills. If we were going on vacation, by golly every single T was crossed and I dotted. Guaranteed! The route, if we were driving, was meticulously gone over, more than once. Hotels were booked along the way, making sure Marley was welcome. Even food prep was thought through. Yep, he could have been a Travel Agent, no doubt. That was so much a part of him, his ability to plan and organize. I miss that. I miss his ability to fix every single thing I ever gave him to fix. From steam iron, curling iron, hair dryer, blender, toaster, hand mixer, coffee maker, washer/dryer, it just didn't matter what it was, he fixed it, without fail. He was the hardest working little sucker I've ever known. And if he took on a job, it was done right! Yes, he was a bit OCD, which made him perfect for me! I cooked, he cleaned and, oh my goodness, it was CLEAN when he was finished. I miss him preparing the coffee maker the night before so all I had to do was flip a switch the next morning. I miss him holding me from behind as we slept. I miss his warm body that was so warm it was my source of heat some nights, he radiated it! LOL I miss all of these things. But mostly I just miss my sweetheart of 30 years. I truly realize how much I had now that he's gone. He knew I loved him, and I tried to show him in the myriad ways a couple together that long can do without even thinking about it. But I should have told him more. I should have hugged him more. I should have let him know how brilliant I thought he was. My love and adoration know no bounds. I hope he knew that. I hope he realized deep down how devoted I was to him.

 

I miss him.

Life Goes On

Good Morning Everyone,

Since my last blog I've improved somewhat. I still have days when I just wish he'd simply walk back in the door after being gone for a few days and I would be so happy to see him. We'd laugh and carry on like we did for years. But that ain't gonna happen.

I have lonely days. But I am so blessed to have the people who check on me frequently and invite me to dinner and lunch. I tend to isolate and I know that's not good so I've started to make myself get out more and I'm always happy when I do. Marley is a good companion, too. I dread the day this over 12 year old beast joins Randy. I'll be broken again for awhile. I've had thoughts about what I will do when that happens, like you do when you have all this time. I may not get another dog for a bit. Maybe travel some. Just imagine being able to lock the door and leave is intriguing. I can't even remember when that option was available. lol

I'm still very busy in the office, getting stuff in my name and taking care of business. It's a struggle, I gotta tell ya. But I'm learning. I've made mistakes, but those are the hardest lessons and I won't be making those again! Don't have to tell me twice!

What has helped me cope more than anything is when I decided that I would search every single day for something to make me laugh and smile. I do this in Randy's honor. He was happiest when I was happy and I feel if I do that he will know. I can feel him smile when I do it. He will be with me always and sometimes when I am laughing I can feel him laughing with me. 

Don't worry, I am apparently much stronger than I thought. I'm a tough ol' Texas gal and that will sustain me and get me through this difficult time! 

Love y'all!

It's Not Getting Better, It's Getting Worse

 You know, when Randy passed away on September 12, 2020, the worst year of my life by far, I was sad, but at the same time, relieved that he was no longer in pain. He suffered greatly at the end, and was in constant pain. The peaceful look on his face when I went to check on him told me everything I needed to know. He literally looked 20 years younger. The pain had aged him beyond anything I can describe.

I wish I could say it has gotten easier, but it has not. It's gotten harder and harder and continues every single day. I am continually searching for a way to be happy again. Nothing works. Randy used to make me smile and laugh every single day. I miss that beyond anything else in this world. He was my soul mate, God's gift to me from the moment we met. We met as co-workers and became friends. Over a year later we started dating in March and then got married in December that same year. 1990, 30 years ago this month. Sometimes I can simply feel blessed that I had that kind of love for that long. Thirty years is a long time and we had some wonderful times, travels, memories, laughter and true love. But now that he's gone I truly wish we'd had at least 10 more years. But cancer had other plans. 

I have wonderful friends and the sweetest family in the world, but I miss my Randy so much. I ache inside. I cry and then watch TV, then cry some more, run errands, do all the things he did for me, which was A LOT y'all! He took such good care of me and spoiled me pure rotten. I had no idea, he just did it, without complaining, and I actually think he enjoyed doing it because then I didn't have to. It made him happy to take care of me. All I can say is if you have a long relationship with your mate, spouse, partner, whatever, thank them, love them, hold them, kiss them, hug them, and cherish every single moment. You never know when it will be the last time you see them. Life can be cruel. It can change in a moment's notice.

I will never ever be the same. My soul mate is gone. I really don't think I will ever be "complete" again. Half of me is missing. I truly look forward to the time we will be reunited. I will welcome that transition with open arms. And no, I'm not thinking about making that happen to myself. That is in God's hands. But when the time comes, I will leap into his arms and never let go.

Randy's Coin

Randy has this silver dollar coin he carried with him all the time. He had taken it out of it's protective cover and touched it and messed with it all the time. So it has his essence all over it. I love it dearly. We would even have this game where if I found it in bed or something I would hide it or put it in my pocket for awhile, if I had a pocket that day. And later he would be kind of looking for it and I'd dig it out of my pocket and say, Oh yeah, here it is, I saved it for you. He would laugh and hold out his hand and I'd drop it in. Little memories like these sustain me.

Yesterday evening after I'd taken my shower and put my muumuu on, that's what Randy called my nightgown! LOL  I put his coin in the little pocket on the front of my gown and went to bed. Well, of course during the night and after I'd forgotten I'd put it there, the coin fell out into the bed and slept beside me all night long. I woke very early this morning and suddenly remembered I'd done that. I put my hand on my pocket, no coin. Uh-oh. But when I started to get up to turn the light on to find it, suddenly, without so much as turning on the light even, the coin dropped into my hand, like it was dropped from thin air into my outstretched hand. I immediately clutched it to me and said Thank you, Honey. I settled back down for a bit, just holding it and letting the calmness unfold. 

Now if that doesn't 100% prove he is here and watching over His Roxie, nothing does. I cherish that he is here with me always, along with my Daddy and many other Guardian Angels who have passed before me. I am so blessed y'all.